To The Girl At The Beacham's 'Say Anything' Show

For every one hundred females that walk into my life, I find only a fraction of them applicable to what I've grown to stand for as a man and as a decent human-being in my efforts here in this place. Let's be clear here - I only say that with pride when concerning what it is that I've learned and have come to understand that I deserve from people in my lifetime, and as for the rest, I say it with shame and guilt because I truly wish that it weren't the case. With a disheartening and discouraging sigh, I admit that as for the rest of them, I'll never allow them to be close to me due to the cruelty that is written on their faces, all resulting from the hatred and insensitivity that has become instilled inside of their hearts; all of which you, nor I, deserve to ever be subjected to. Beauty in appearance does not fool me like it does most, as I've grown to see past it and where true beauty stems and radiates from; I've grown to understand what beauty actually means, past the majority of the world's shallow, general consensus of it. There is a profound meaning behind the word that most hardly can comprehend, let alone understand. In its most uncorrupted form, it has absolutely nothing to do with superficiality. That is the furthest thing to take into mind when defining the worthiness and deeper attractions of a person's soul. Though appearance, yes, can make someone even more attractive overall, it places last when again, defining the worthiness and deeper attractions of a person's soul. I am not saying that attraction isn't important when sparking and retaining a flame between two people, because it's vital in my honest opinion, but attraction should never be the main basis of why you may want to be with someone, or simply pursue them. So for a further admittance of shame towards my own gender, let's be honest, as the number of men that I meet has a ratio that triples that of what I spoke of above towards women, with an outcome of even less that I find fitting as friends or even honorable acquaintances towards the type of person that I am. Don't get this twisted; I am no God or overly self-righteous person that believes so; I am no arrogant individual that disregards the remaining world as to adhere to their own standards, and I am no empty shell that dwells within cynicalness. I would never begin to think in those manners. I am just a man that has learned the processes of good and bad - one that does not want to impose the bad onto the world, and in return, one that does not want it imposed on himself, either.

I'm going to delve right into this one: I attended a Say Anything show June 19, 2014 at The Beacham in Orlando, Florida, which is where I currently reside at this point in my life. I've spent the majority of my life growing up in this state, and the past seven years residing in this city of Orlando. I have grown and learned to love it here. I do not care for the traffic, its sides of selfishness that tag right along with that, the terribly hot and humid summer days, or the inability to look up and see even one star in the sky because the city is so lit up with light. I was born in New Bern, North Carolina, and though my soul and personality fits perfectly into the schematics of that state, I've learned to call each of them my home for their own justifiable reasons. I strongly believe that happiness comes with your mindsets, and I've been fortunate enough to be able to apply that thought process to myself for nearly my entire life. Mostly, I've learned to adapt and to make the most out of every situation. I do not hold the hand of greed and I do not preach the word of 'never having enough.' And though I live a fulfilling and satisfying lifestyle, they are not what happiness is encompassed around. I'm fortunate enough to have learned that a long time ago.

I'm writing this now because it has been continuously tugging at my sleeves to do so for the past few days, and I have been trying my absolute hardest to get it out as quickly as possible between all of the other responsibilities that I have in life - many of which, I've put on my back-burner for this. My typical satisfaction has been robbed of me and has left me feeling unfulfilled, all due to myself and my lack of action while attending this show that I speak of in the above paragraph. I have spent the past five years of my life alone, learning to love myself entirely and growing to become what it is that I needed to become as a person here on this world that so seemingly has been overrun with animosity and insensibility. I have experienced it first hand many times, and have learned to avoid its traps in life, and this is one reason that I have chosen to be alone for so long. I had the options not to, but chose to have the patience to wait for something worth more than settling like I had before; to wait for something worth fighting for, and if I were lucky enough to find it, something worth dying for. And this type of passion does not come from settling. I too, learned that a long time ago.

I met a certain female during this show, and the entire episode has deemed me unable to shake it from myself, even though I don't want to. While at this show, I was crowd surfing to one of my most admired bands that I have discovered in my short time here, and I hit a weak spot in the crowd and I was suddenly dropped to the floor. This crowd though, if I could only properly convey to you just how awesome that they were, you wouldn't believe it. I reached my hand up and met another person's hand that aided in pulling me back up, off of the ground, and to my feet. I gave my thanks along with a fierce high-five, brushed myself off, and turned myself back towards the stage and towards the band. And inadvertently, I turned myself and my attention towards something that I never thought that I would find amidst this crowd (in the sense that I've personally grown to define it, at least), as awesome as they were: A girl, an old soul, and a lady - in every sense of the word, smiling right in my direction, and right at me. It was a view that I haven't seen in a long, long time. Many females forget to be ladies and to carry themselves as so, just as many 'men' forget to be gentlemen, though I would see them being labeled as 'boys' to be much more fitting. It's the same dynamic as how many females forget to have self-respect, as many men never learn to grow past and become better than their low-level instinctual, sexual urges. And thus, just as many females forget to trust and love themselves, many males forget to love, all together.

As quickly as I rose to my feet and moved my eyes onto her, I became entangled inside a web of sincerity. Have you ever met someone that brought out every ounce and intention of honesty inside of you, so effortlessly? It's a rare occasion, but one of the best things that this life has to offer. We exchanged our words and shortly after, I couldn't help but feel compelled to tell her just how awesome that I thought that she was. My next line consisted of the only thing that could come to my mind in the moment that I found myself caught in with this vibrant soul, sporting one of the prettiest and most honest smiles and faces that I have ever seen: "Will you marry me?!" Though we both knew the lack of seriousness towards the question and the sarcasm that overruled it, she smiled, said yes, and pulled me in and kissed me - on the cheek, that is, because she was classy, not easy. Neither am I, but it didn't take much effort for her to grab a hold of me emotionally in a sense that I still feel right this very moment; it too is one of the rarest things in the world. I've relived it and the memory of that moment many-a-times since. Unfortunately, the excitement of being so caught up in the moment between that and the music, alongside of singing with and to each other, led me to lose her in the crowd, and I could not find her for the life of me afterwards. Along with this, and my little-more than slight alcohol consumption, I swore that she had given me her number, but afterwards, I couldn't find it for the life of me either. I know, I know. I understand exactly what you're probably thinking. But I've given myself enough hits over the fact that I let myself be intoxicated just enough to where I can't remember this part of exchanging her phone number as clearly as I wish that I could, no matter how hard that I've tried to recall it. And so unfortunately, I never caught her name either. Had I known that she was in that crowd, I never would have let a sip of alcohol touch my lips. I would have ensured that my cell phone would have never been dead at this point, and I never would have let her slip away from me like that. I feel like such a fool, and justifiably so.

So here I am, writing this on a relentless search for this girl. I have looked between every crevice, underneath every stone, and around every alleyway trying to find her. I have called random numbers of people in my phone's contact list that I did not recognize trying to find this girl, to no avail. I have sent out mass text messages and personalized text messages to girls whose numbers and names that I didn't recognize in my contact list, only to find dead end after dead end. I even sent the message to some of my friends, knowing that it wasn't her, but hoping that somehow by the grace of God that it may help me find her. I pulled a random number out of my wallet from a female, written on a piece of a napkin that I met while being out at the local Pub. I was ecstatic because I thought that I had finally found her, but it wasn't. It was just another acquaintance that I had met (who had a boyfriend, might I add), that I was only interested in being friends with. She was a fun individual, but just a friend, and nothing more. You see, I'm not like most, and I don't play the field like that. You don't have to believe me. Your opinion, though it is important to me, isn't what matters here. It's her's that does. I have looked through the pictures posted by the bands that played this show, keeping my fingers crossed that I would find something that could help lead me back to her, but I haven't been that lucky. I had my friend that I rode with search his car, but only came up empty handed. I even searched my own truck thinking to myself, "Maybe somehow, just maybe....."

I have exhausted every lead that I have looking for you. I have tried, and I have tried, and I have tried. In the past five or six years, I have never searched for something so tirelessly, and it's because in the past five years I have not had anything worth searching for this hard. My best friends tell me not to give up, and to keep trying. They know and understand how rare that this is, and how rare that it is for me to find a female that I personally see so worth fighting for. They remind me that anything worth having in this life doesn't come easy, and that even one chance with this girl is something that sounds more than worth it. A lot of you are going to sit back and find humor, criticism, and judgement to apply towards what I'm doing here, and that's fine. Just know that I find twice the humor, criticism, and judgement towards not you, but towards your indifference on this subject instead, and towards your inability to comprehend something that you simply just don't, or can't understand. Those are traits that are exactly what is wrong with the world today, and it deems your opinions invalid from the start. I show courage in my search for one girl out of seven billion people in this world. I do not need your justification, and I will be one of the few to end up fulfilling the ideas of an uncorrupted love, no matter who it is that I end up with in the end. There is no telling who that may be and no one has the capability of that, except for time. And right now, my time is on the search for her. And for those of you out there who may help in any way, I cannot explain correctly how thankful that I am for your kindness; the words simply don't exist.

This is only one of the text messages that I sent out to a number that I did not recognize and did not get an answer from - verbally, or written. After a failed attempt and no answer from a phone call, and no response from two text messages, I came up with this as a final effort. As for the order of those actions so that you do not see me as some obsessive individual who cannot take a hint, I sent one message hoping that it was the girl that I'm trying to reach, receiving no response. Soon after I realized that it wasn't her, but someone else instead. So I sent a second message apologizing for the confusion hours later, again getting no response. Finally, I thought hard about it and realized that I was mistaken again, and that there was still a possibility that it could be the female that I'm striving so hard to get a hold of. Unfortunately, I was still left unaware of whether it was her, or who exactly it was residing on the other end of this number at that point, as they never responded even once. They're the only person that would not respond and at least give me the knowledge of knowing that it wasn't her. I hope with absolutely everything in me that it wasn't, because it would be a terrible sign, although I would still respect it. Should you see this message and decide that I am not something that you may intend to pursue back, as heavy as that may weigh on me, know that I still respect that; and trust me when I say that I find comfort in knowing that you know what it is that you want and desire in this lifetime; it's more than most people can say for themselves. As for this final message, I sent it the following day in the afternoon some time, and I think that it depicts what I want to say more correctly than anything:

"Okay, so it looks like I may have been correct the first time around. At least there is a possibility that I was, so let me start with this: I apologize again if this is not the girl that I'm looking for. I sincerely apologize again if there is a reason that I'm not getting a response, because the absolute last thing that I intend to do is be disrespectful towards you, whether you're who I'm looking for, or not. Whatever reason(s) that it may be that I'm not getting one, I respect that, and this will be the last message that I send. You have my word on that. Though there obviously may be legitimate reasons for it, such as a misplaced cell phone, etc (which clearly I'm hoping for), just know that my anxiousness has gotten the better of my patience, and that doesn't happen often; I tend to hold my grace, which only further justifies my honest interest in this girl that I'm searching for. But it's not my place to continue on a personal pursuit with an individual that won't respond for whatever reasons, so I won't bother you with my rambling any longer should I not hear anything back. I honestly don't know if these messages are even making it to another person or just to blank static in the world of cell phones, but I don't care; the girl that I met is worth taking every bit of that chance and the possibility of me looking like an idiot. So lastly, I deeply apologize if I've come off as anything other than honest and sincere in my pursuit. I know that I have absolutely nothing to prove that honesty and sincerity over a text except with my words, so I've pleaded with fate that maybe they'll get the point across and convey what I want to portray properly; the same fate that I believe may have led us to meet. I've looked through every lead that I had trying to find this girl who hopefully is you, and I've only found dead ends and have been led right back here. This is my last chance. And though I've taken many chances in life, I've also spent many moments in my life letting chances pass me by. Chances all of the way from career moves, to personal dream and goal accomplishments, to girls, and everything in between. And from it, I've learned not to let it happen again. I would rather be the guy that looks like a fool, rather than being the guy that didn't even have the courage to take a shot on something that meant this much to him. It's hard for me to keep this short. I have much deeper explanations for all of it. But I won't explain it unless asked at this point. I apologize for my confusions and getting these names and phone numbers mixed up with other people who are only friends and/or new acquaintances. But I won't let myself be the person who kicks himself in the ass for the rest of his life for not at least trying to reach out for someone and something worth reaching for, which is exactly what I would do if I didn't send this. I hope with everything in me that either this message, or life, somehow leads me back to you, and you to me, again, if this is who I'm looking for. At least for one chance. I'm not like all of the other apathetic, indifferent, and shallow human-beings that have such a grasp on the world that we live in today. I'm different. I just want that one chance to prove it. It's all that I'm asking. Again, I hope that this is you, more than anything that I've hoped for in a long time. - James Canady"

Please help me in my pursuits. I'm all out of options. I have grown to need nobody in my life, and it is what has brought me to the point of being able to share it with somebody; whether for a short time, or for a long time. I will find the type of girl that I am looking for in my lifetime, or I will die alone trying to. And I will die alone happy knowing that I never gave myself to someone again who didn't deserve me. I only ask you to help me steal my opportunity back of knowing whether that mindset is reflected onto this lady that I'm searching for here in this posting, or not.

I pray that every one of you finds the strength, self-happiness, self-respect, and self-acceptance inside of you to see your worthiness in the same light. Why? Because human-beings, souls, and their accompanying hearts are not disposable. They are not to be toyed with. They are not meant to be tossed to the wayside, to the curb, or left in the wake of what should have carried them through the trials of life with grace, dignity, and support. They are not meant to be left feeling abandoned, burdened, and unloved; as if everything good in this world only remains fleeting further from us. They are meant to be fought for, they are meant to be lifted, and they are meant to be loved, unconditionally. I've seen the worst come from a loveless relationship and worlds stripped of all of its color due to an individual's lack of strength to provide this world what it needs, and another person what they need, in place of its standard indifference. And I've seen with my own eyes, souls tainted due to an individual's lack of courage to provide this world what it needs, and another person what they need, in place of its standard apathy. The pain in this world is a reaper that comes for everything that good men and women stand for. It comes swiftly and quietly, and carves its mark into you with a smile as your soul bleeds out. I know this pain; I lived with it for years, and years. And I know this smile; it sent the heaviest shivers down my backside and my spine as I watched it come only inches within my own face. I know it because I've seen my walls torn down and my skies grayed and blackened from things that should have never tossed me to the curb, but broke me, and did; from things and people that treated me as disposable, although I was the opposite of it; from people that should have loved me unconditionally as I did them, but didn't, and couldn't spare even a moment to try and just comprehend the meaning of it. I sat beside myself and watched me be torn apart. I watched my foundations shaken from their place, and their accompanying structures leveled. I watched my soul become enveloped in that darkness, as I felt my mind feel it seeping over me and through my skin. I felt loneliness, and I felt emptiness, in some of their utmost forms - like many of you reading this have. And for those of you who have and that this applies to more than it ever should, I'm sorry that you had to experience this. I'm sorry that you weren't granted better options than to crawl your way uphill and through the inner and trying trappings of your mind. We were given the gift of a conscience and the ability of love and compassion to fix this world that has become so broken. Sadly, many of us don't know how to act on it because we've become so lost in the misleading ways of the empty and unloving ones around us. And therefore, many of us don't know how to even begin to fix what's wrong here, but to only further break it, instead. It's not your fault.

I was born of the light, as we all are. In the same dynamic as I've experienced pains that resemble what you have experienced; whether lesser, or greater; that is not what matters most here. Pain is not a competition, and this is not me thinking that I am better or worse than you. I stand by my mother's word that I strongly believe that people are born inherently good. And I so luckily had her as a teacher as I aged through my most impressionable years. She taught me strength, and wisdom, and most importantly, love in a depraved world. Optimism and my pain became my only weapon against these burdens that I speak of as I swore to myself that I would never make another feel anything relatively close to what I had been subjected to. Three of those things being the loss of two of the girls that I had grown to love so passionately and unconditionally at separate and appropriate times in my life, and the other as the suicide of my biggest father-figure and stepfather when I was fifteen years old. When I was at my weakest and my spine bent the most at the weight of my distress, in my mind I was given two options: to stand with it and to break, or to stand against it and still, to break. I was so convinced that it so heavily outweighed the strength inside of me that I had no other option; I was wounded on every inch of my body, and I felt it through every inch of my soul - I was broken in every way that I looked at it. Pain that seeps from the top of your head, to the bottom of your toes, leaves you weak in every conceivable position; and there is no outrunning it, or escaping it. It's a very distinct type of pain. One that came for me personally from opening up entirely and allowing another to have everything about my mind, body, and soul. The second, from growing with and trusting someone to love me enough to protect my childhood innocence, and to remain in this world and to guide me through my trials of life as any parent is meant to do. We are all capable of feeling this pain, whether we've felt it yet in our time here, or not. We are all not unbreakable or immune to emotion, no matter what state of mind you have put yourself in - real men do not see emotion as a weakness, and they do not see dispassion as a strength. We are all capable of speaking what we feel, and acting on our good intent and emotion as opposed to the bad. It is why we're here, not to do the opposite. Many of us find ourselves scared to act on it, just as I have in my younger years. And I have met many people who have asked me how exactly I can be so forward within my good intentions, and say whatever it is that I'm feeling, to whoever it is that may be standing in front of me. The truth is, had I turned to my stepfather in his darkened times years ago and spout the words "I love you" just once, I guarantee you that he would be here with my mother, my sisters, and I today. So if you ask me why I don't hesitate, it's because I could have saved the life of one of the most important people that I ever had the true fortune of knowing in my lifetime. And if you ask why I don't hold back, it's because I will never let that or anything remotely close to it happen, ever again. My moments will be seized. You never know what your words may truly mean to somebody, and you never know how much that your compassion might save someone. In your darkest states, someone providing this for you in all likeliness would have changed your perspective on the situation, or at least eased the pain that you were enduring and would have lessened your suffering; especially if it were to come from the person causing it. Life is about selflessness, no matter how selfishly that it has treated you. We are meant to lead, and to stand against the wrong doings in our experiences. Even if life never gave it to you, you find the courage to give it to the world. It deserves your apathy no more than you deserved the apathy from the person that struck holes into your hopes and love.

When that pain overtakes us, a lot of people make a heavy mistake at that point and instead of standing with it or against it, they try desperately to hide from it. Either we refuse to be a part of the cause of that pain in this world, we begin to believe that it's okay to behave in the same manner because we were treated the same way, or we avoid it at all costs. I intentionally listed those in order of what I believe to be the best way of handling these situations, to the worst. We are meant to be strong, we are meant to be valiant, and we are meant to be brave. But these things do not come overnight, easily, or instantaneously, and I am as guilty as the next person for losing my footing and grace at times towards these instances. Dont you ever let yourself think that someone is better than you because they may have had the fortune of experiencing more in life before you have had the chance to, especially if they had someone to guide them through the entire process. No human-being on this earth is perfect, and we are not meant to be. Perfection is something that is out of our reach as beings here in this reality that we reside in. But we are meant to better ourselves as much as possible; to come as close to that perfection as we are able to. It's not about how close that you get, it's about how hard that you try. We are meant to be better than the hate. We are meant to stand taller than the shallow pools that many people call their emotional depths. And we are meant to be stronger than the pain that resides in our hearts, and has overtaken our world. This strength does not come from hiding and covering yourself from your fears and from the hurt that you feel inside of you. Instead, it comes from facing what it is that is tearing at the heart strings that are yours. They come from believing that even though the world couldn't or can't show you what it is that you deserve, you can show others what they deserve in place of it, because you are better than anything that this terrible world could ever give you; because you are. Do not let pain overcome you. You take it, you restrain it inbetween your hands, and you use it to shape yourself for the better. It wants to control you and have its way with you, but don't you dare let it. You are a force to be reckoned with, and you will not let it turn you into exactly what its own essence is. It is your pain to take, and nothing more. You are not its body and soul to claim and control.

I know what it's like to feel taken by it. And I know what it's like to ask yourself, "How in the world can I use something to my advantage that so vastly devastates me?!" I know what it's like to not have a single, ounce of hope, and to feel as lost as the moon is from the sun. But that is the first sign that you are deeper than the pain, emptiness, detachment, prose, and indifference that is the majority of this world. That is the first sign that despite your doubt, you are great, and that you are meant to do great things. You are meant to be a leader and to stand against the problems of the world. You are meant to change this place. Do not be afraid of it, and do not be afraid of the criticism of others towards it. Everything around you may be dark and even pitch black when concerning your self-hope, self-respect, and self-love. All that I can tell you is that you just need to hang on. That is all. My learning came with time, and I had nobody to walk me through my most trying times in life and to hand me an instruction sheet pointing out where to turn, how to act, what to say, and how to behave. But I will tell you, I brought myself to my feet many-a-times standing against that darkness, emptiness, and void that had become everything inside of me, and it knocked me back down to my bare back time and time again. But I refused to let it keep me there, and more so, I refused to let it change me into exactly what it was that put me there in the first place. And in time, I stood to find myself on my feet - bleeding, wounded, with my clothing tattered and worn. But in that time, I also stood to finally find myself grounded, unshakable, and unable to be moved. So I looked right up at that reaper that smiled at me when I was at the bottom of my canyon, I stared as I watched its smile lose its arch and grow into a straight, horizontal smirk, and you know what I did? What I never thought that I would be able to do? I smiled right back at it. When it realized that I wouldn't let it have me, it fled like the coward that it is. People continuously say that 'time heals everything,' but they don't ever explain what comes with it. All of this bravery, this valiance, this honor, integrity, morality, strength, heart, audacity, fortitude, fearlessness, and virtue stand side-by-side of that passing time, and its partnering hourglass. And when you pair it with the mindset of taking that afflicted selfishness, hurt, emptiness, apathy, and indifference that has been directed at you, and refuse to afflict it back onto the world, your soul only becomes exponentially that much stronger. Pain has a timeframe; it has a limit - the majority of it at least. The aforementioned virtues do not. There is a light no matter how dark that your surroundings are. Strive to be better and to be the hope that this world so desperately needs, and you will find it. How dimly or brightly it shines is up to you.

So to this gracefully poised girl that I watched radiate in her elegance when she turned to me, I hope that life and fate somehow leads me back to you. I am not blind, and for those few moments I saw how brightly that you've learned to let yourself shine. No one else in that entire crowd existed to me in that short timeframe, but you. And for those few moments, where everyones' attention was fixed onto the band and all of the chaos around us, I could only hear and fixate onto what it was that you were saying to me - louder than the over-bearing a/c systems, over the mass crowd and the countless voices, and even above the amplifiers and the music that brought each of us there to begin with. To this girl that stood more boldly to me than the souls on stage behind the guitars, the drums, and the microphones, I just want one thing: To show you the light that I've learned to let live inside of me as well, all in the hopes that it may be as bright to you as you were to me. I just want to stop the world around you, like you did for me.