Journal Entry #2: Night Two

Night two:

There is something different, and there is something staggering about this night. On the opposing hand, my mind is at ease for the most part, but my heart is restless. I don’t think that a blow to the chest from a 12-gauge shotgun positioned directly in front of me could leave me feeling like there is a bigger hole there than there already is. Like this very moment, I catch myself sometimes, wondering up and down through the hallways of my head; wondering mainly in my times of discomfort and in my tests of faith whether it could be some sort of risk all in itself to rely on a heart so much; to think with and act upon in all of the times that it is needed for, which seems to only be growing during our short timelines here. Naturally for me, I even follow that uncertainty with question too, wondering if hearts can have some sort of their own version of human-like heart arrests all on their own. And undoubtedly, that then leads me to the question of just what exactly would the heart of a heart be? I've always wondered what exactly influences them to beat besides our brains and the mechanicality that our bodies’ systems stay in tune with. I’ve considered so many things, and I’m still left wondering; like I’m throwing rocks across a silent pond hoping that it skips to the other side, but time pauses at the moment in between my tossing and that rock hitting that water. The answers are as up in the air as anything around me; it could be our souls: What were closer to than anything, yet so far away from its explanation that we can’t even begin to understand its depth and definitions. Maybe it’s the constant drive for an actual (And often time tangible) love itself, which seems to be many people’s answer to the question of life; even one of mine. And simply, maybe it’s your drive to live, though we don’t know exactly what it is that pressures us so much to keep our lives going, and our hearts beating here. Whatever it may be, an attack set forth to it just could never be good; never. Maybe that’s one reason that one soul mate dies hand in hand with the other when they pass, without a single doctor being able to explain why.

I have this intuition that you’ve found someone; this feeling tearing at the strings of my heart either lightly or heavily. It just depends on the moment that I’m in. All that I want for you is for you to be happy and I can and have accepted that that could obviously mean being with another. But I think that you and the other, don’t amount anywhere close to you and I. All of Halloween I drank to you and how I wished you were next to me instead of out with the opportunity of a million different guys, but still somehow I made myself find happiness for you and all of those opportunities. I constantly wonder what it is inside of our bodies that holds our heavy hearts up when they would rather drag the ground, because sometimes it feels like mine is just going to drop straight through the floor. And you know, maybe there is no need for it. Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way right now. Maybe I’m far too worried or at least far more than I should be. But for this very moment in time, I am going to trust my instinct. But I will also trust the knowledge that I hold towards imaginations running wild and self-driven insanity, no matter what degree it is taken to. We are all guilty of it and if you cannot or will not admit it, I hope that you can learn to throw your pride out for your own personal sake here in the near future. I always use this as a leveler in my mind and it always puts me back on track. I’ve learned to control it very well and to stop myself from doing it, which is why its existence at this moment is so baffling and confusing to me.

I don’t want instant relief. I don’t want an instant answer. I want to figure out to its entirety what exactly it is that I need to do to have this work. I want to know you so I can work with and around these things; these walls. I at least have a basic grip on you (I still believe that I have much, much more than that), just like you do me, and you have to at least give me that. It’s so simple, but so complicated. I don’t need anyone by any means. I am just fine on my own. In fact, I have had some of the happiest moments of my life on my own. But I want you and I want what I know could exist between us. You know that it’s there too. And it comes down to one simple question in my mind. Throughout these writings and the insanity that seems to be attached with each word. Throughout their misguiding appearances and personal flaws that come flying at you off of this page. Throughout all of these nights spent thinking about you, and yours spent thinking about me. Throughout the calls, the ‘I miss you’s’, and the apologies, I want to know one thing; just one simple thing that runs through my head every time that we talk and every time that I think of you.

Just one question:

Why aren’t we together?