Journal Entry #5: Sorry doesn't say it

The morning of day six:

If it weren’t for the friends that I have, I just don’t know what I would do. I’ve grown to be a master at disguising and camouflaging how I’m truly feeling. A lot of us have. I guess because I see it as my problem to deal with, and it is. I don’t come to my friends to drag them down, but instead to have a good time. I guess one way that I deal with discomfort and hurt is by going out and having the time of my life with friends and new friends and acquaintances. It’s either that or it’s the fact that I’ve grown strong enough to the point where I can push it aside without having it affect anyone else, which is something that I always strive for. No one else did this to me and no one else helped push this hurt onto me, so why in the world would I ever take it out on them in the tiniest bit? You don’t do things like that and I have learned that well. I find myself having the time of my life every day or at least every time that I go out, party, or even just hang out with my friends around the apartment or house on select nights. I feel like I need to knock on wood after saying that because it is one thing that I do love about myself: My ability to have a blast no matter what I do, where I go, or who I am with. I don’t want that to ever change.

I read over my writings all of the time. It’s staggering sometimes going from a hard night to an easier morning (And every other which way) and seeing that on paper. My irrationality and unrealistic thoughts can be through the roof and then the next thing that I know, I’m reading my own personal, short written novels wondering just what in the fuck I was thinking. But then I sit back and wonder what in the hell happened to have made me feel that way, because this confusion taking a hold over my thoughts just isn’t me. Or maybe I’ve got an intuition far too compelling for anyone’s own good.

This is why I’ve learned to wait those feelings out though; to wait with patience until the proper time for judgment comes. I see so many people making the same mistakes that I once made, and I am sure that just about everyone makes at least once in their lifetime: When you’re suddenly hurt your mind may jump to conclusions and irrational thought and you may voice those thoughts to your significant other, or when your heart feels so abnormal that you act on or say just about anything until you find the right words that strike a calming chord in that head and heart of yours, instead of waiting to gather as much correct information as possible in order to make an intelligent judgment from the start. A good example is a friend that I have. She hears something about her boyfriend going to hang out with another girl (Whether from him or from a separate individual), and if he doesn’t immediately side with her on it about the fact that she is uncomfortable with it (No matter who the other female is), she may jump back at him with “delete my fucking number” or “don’t talk to me if you’re going to talk to her,” and so on. But there are always two sides to a story, and in her defense, it is not all of her fault. They have been in situations where their trust has been broken, so of course she may assume the worst when she hears something like that, but that does not justify such violent assumption. Nor does the fact the she should not jump to conclusions justify that he should be absent minded when it comes to consideration for her. But afterwards, she finds out that there was nothing wrong with it, that he did nothing wrong, and that she just shouldn’t be worried. She’ll write back with “I’m sorry” and “can we talk,” and so forth. I know the feeling: You just want to say anything that you can to completely erase what had just happened, to keep that person from thinking less of you, and to keep that person from caring less for you because you simply made a poor judgment over their actions and intentions. Sadly, people often time react this way without showing compassion, care, and understanding. They immediately jump into defense mode and argue in their own favor, while most of the time insulting the other person in one way or another. It can be anything between the way that the person decides to speak to them all of the way to how that person decides to treat them (For example: “Delete my fucking number”). Instead of that, I have always, always dealt with my problems with compassion, care, and understanding. Being mean or insulting will never get you anywhere in life, and if it does, well the chances are that you have at least one enemy out there from the journey that put you there. Simply put, you don’t deserve respect by giving disrespect. And if you have gotten respect by giving disrespect, well it is all the same: You may have gotten it, but you don’t deserve it. Not if you think that you are in the right for it.

I’ve grown to always see the good in people, because whether you want to admit it or not, there is good in every single person in this world. Even people that have reached the bottom of my own personal list, I know that there are still incredible qualities and things about them. No one deserves to be put down for that either, for any reason. The stronger ones go in the opposite direction of argumentative and insulting points, and instead find constructive criticism to litter their words and points with. They also find constructive criticism in everything that is said to them (Aside from any obviously outlandish claims), because the way that I see it is if someone finds a bad quality about you and they share that with you (No matter how they decide to do that), it is an opportunity to change yourself for the better. You should find that at least 90% of the time, if someone finds something wrong with you in their personal opinion, you should take into account that it very well could be true and that you should try to avoid casting that perspective or habit in the bad ways that they entail. It’s never definite of course, but at least take some time to think over it instead of immediately throwing it out because you simply don’t like the thought of it in your head. There is a trick to this though: You must surround yourself with good people; good, unbiased people, because these are the right people to learn from. Not some selfish, crack addict who calls you a piece of shit for not giving them two dollars to support their horrible habit; or a random person that barely knows you who for some reason gathered an uneducated assumption of you. This should be obvious.

I found constructive criticism in your argument and in your points, and I found frailty in mine. I instantly remembered how I have always practiced my tact approaches whenever I felt misunderstood with a girl that I care about. They always seemed to work, and I believe that this is one reason that you fell for me. But I made a mistake and who I showed to be at my latest argumentative points, is not who I am. You know that. But for a very short time; a very, very short time, I forgot to be tact; I forgot to be understanding; I forgot to be caring; I forgot that I needed to show another part of myself and to never show a cruel side, ever. I forgot to show you me. And for a little while, I forgot who I was: I’m so sorry.