Journal Entry #13: Holiday

The evening of day twenty-six:

It’s Thanksgiving. To me, another holiday that I find myself sitting and wishing that I could share with you; another reminder about your upcoming birthday, Christmas, and everything that comes afterwards; another reminder of how much that I honestly want to be with you on them, but how in all likeliness it is not going to happen. What a horrible view to have on things, isn’t it? I am an optimist to the T, but our recent efforts and our recent actions have turned me entirely around, one hundred eighty degrees from that. I mean, I have my hopes. I always will, but I guess that I have learned not to get them up so much, or as much. I will not put myself on a twenty foot ledge to fall off of when instead I can put myself on a two foot drop where I can land and still be on my own two feet. But really, I guess the most proper way to portray it is by saying that I would not put myself on a ledge like that concerning us anymore at this current moment. This really is the only place where my spiral from an optimist resides in. Sadly, it is one way that I have learned to deal with our current situation. So for repeat number two: It’s sad, huh? So many people say that love is about holding nothing back; about taking that chance. Well, I agree. But also, I am sorry that I have learned to be able to see past most people and past most situations where that fall (That I was referring to above) is inevitable; I am not taking a leap where I know that I will land with broken legs at best. That is poor judgment and poor decision making. Throwing yourself from atop a building without a rope, and only hoping for the very best and leaving your trust left only in that is no different; instead, it is also and mostly physical instead of purely emotional.

I went to my sister’s and her boyfriend’s new home today for the holiday. His entire family was there along with mine. It was entirely enjoyable. I saw friends from high school and met my sister’s most-likely future husband’s family and we all got along great. They just bought this extremely awesome house and I am so happy for them both. My sister of all people deserves that and so does her boyfriend, Jay. Couples were everywhere, of course; giving into the holiday cheer, as well as the alcohol; eating, laughing, holding hands, partying, and just having the time of their lives. I followed suit of what was everyone’s happiness, but with myself and my family as my closest instead, of course. But between my moments of laughter, I sat there and thought about you, especially at the table where an empty seat sat across from me. I knew that you had to be off having a great Thanksgiving, and I could not have been happier for you. Because I know you, and I know how into the holidays that you are. I know how much that you care about your family and cooking and having everyone over, even if that just refers to friends. I love that about you. You are a Sagittarius to the T. I hate it when people cannot be happy for others, and even in my darkest times I would never look down on or condemn your happiness, whether it is with me or another. I would never want you sad in the tiniest bit; Never.

The whole time I found reason after reason to wish that you were with me, justified or not. And fuck I sound so repetitive. I try to keep from that, I really do. Today just seemed too pushy not to touch the topic, I guess. I just felt empty, and it somehow led to me feeling something that I have almost never felt. It’s hard to describe. I am never one for a loss of words. I can usually always find what to say to describe what I want to portray. But I guess if you read every other entry that I have written, and if you understand their entirety and the emotions and wantings that come along with them, maybe you can form an idea in your head about what kind of feeling is moving around and consuming my insides right now.

Here’s to the closing of this laptop, the blank stare into the apartment walls or night sky that will follow; the realization and ahead-of-time understanding that this feeling will probably come again, but on a much more significant holiday, that will ensue when I begin to pull the screen down on this Macintosh. Here’s to me staring at the night sky here in the next few minutes, counting the stars and trying to point out the most magnificent views of the galaxy. Most importantly, here’s to my imagination and to me closing my eyes, sharing this with you; feeling you and your warmth next to mine, speaking to each other and smiling while we whisper on about how every person at that gathering earlier, adults and children, were so jealous of us; I know that they would be, and so do you.