Journal Entry #12: Role-model? You're not my role-model; I don't care how 'perfectly' structed your jaw line is.

The morning of day twenty-five:

Twenty-one years into my life and I am already so annoyed with fame and celebrities; most of them at least. I get so incredibly annoyed when I hear some girl running around screaming her head off about Edward Cullin or some other most-likely douche bag who has become famous simply because of his looks. I feel the same with women celebrities as well. More so than not, I do not even find them attractive overall. Really though, how shallow can you get? You are in love with a person because of the way that they look: No wonder why relationships (And everything in between) do not usually last anymore; I dare not even quote the divorce rate statistics. It is no wonder why people cannot make a good judgment or decision about whom they want to be with. They make an entirely uneducated decision over who and what they think that someone is, and then they run around spewing things like “I can’t believe this” or “how could this happen,” when things go wrong. The answer is all too obvious, but for some reason it is entirely illusive to so many others. You may say, “I don’t care about him for only his looks.” Well what do you care about him for? His role that he played in the movie? You know, the one that another person wrote for him to act out? Yeah, that is a great way to learn about somebody and about who they really are deep down; not. I do believe that there are some justified cases out there for stuff like this, but most of the time, there is not. It is exactly how I just portrayed it (In my opinion at least): Childish, immature, disrespectable to one’s self, naïve, and so, so much more. I bet peoples’ automatic response to my writings and my ideas about it are “You’re just jealous.” I find that just as naïve and ignorant. But people seem to be over-flowing with this lately in the 2000’s so it is really no surprise to me. I just get pissed off when I see people like Brittney Spears running around, completely destroying her life, and setting it as an example for children and other people to follow. These people, especially children, really do follow it though and that is what is wrong. Do you really think that Brittney Spears knows how to handle a lasting, good relationship from everything that you have seen and come to know of her over the years? If your answer is no (Which I would hope for), then why would you agree that she should be such an idol for it? She shouldn't! Neither should 90% of the idiotic celebrities out there who think that they are some kind of a one-of-a-kind god send: What a joke. Everybody on this Earth is a god send in one way or another, and no one on this earth is better than the next person; especially because of looks; give me a break already. I do not care who you are; I will disprove your arguments in every sense. I often-time wonder if the word morality even exists anymore to the general public? I mean, if I go to a dictionary will it still be there in a new aged print? I wonder if it will be one of those fading words, on worn paper where the ink so unexpectedly and unnoticeably fell or rubbed off. Is it just one of those words slowly losing its meaning, or is its meaning slowly becoming demoralized and changing for the worse, simply because it had to adapt to the ever-growing shallow tendencies of the world and the people in it? I would not doubt that; the original meaning of morality probably hung itself a long time ago when it finally stopped to take a look around at what it has become. I find myself clinging to anyone that holds a good set of morals anymore, like I just careened into the ocean inside of a plane and these people are my life raft. I could go on about this for so long. There are so many subjects to touch on. There are so many points to make. What I wrote above is nothing but an extremely skimmed down and vague version of my argument.

My friend Jackie says the same thing; I am not really into celebrities, that is. She asked me who my celebrity crush is and I responded, “I do not have any. Why would I like someone when I know nothing about them, but the way that they look along with a very uneducated vision of who they are as a person? Yes, I admit, I may think that a woman celebrity is pretty, but that is all. She is pretty, but I do not have a crush on her even at that.” I mean, when I break it down in my head, it all really depends on your mindset and I understand that, but I do not want to find myself in that ridiculous kind of craze. I just cannot help but feel sorry for the people that do; and that sentence and statement makes me feel so low because I really mean no condescension by it, even though it is overly dressed in it. I just hate that people can be so blinded about what is right in front of them, all because they are daydreaming about something else that is as shallow as this. Her ideas on it resembled the same, and I responded with a fierce high five and higher hopes that she helped me gain.

I do not know why I seem so angry about it. I guess it just seems so simple to me. But who does not believe strongly in their own personal views? Every one of mine are just as flawed as I may believe another’s to be; I believe that you must try to keep that in mind for the sake of the respect of others (If that is your goal of course). Anyways, jealousy does play a part with it when it comes down to the right person. I mean, I do not want to hear about how the girl that I care about wants to fuck, kiss, or what have you, with some other guy. Especially when in all likeliness, that guy is a complete douche bag, and would not deserve her to begin with. Would you want to hear that? People freak out like it is some kind of control thing too; it is not. You can say and think that stuff all that you would like (You sure as hell do not need my permission), just have the respect not to say it in front of your significant other if they do not like it. It is not hard at all. But on the other hand and at the same time, I have always agreed with the fact that if someone cares about you enough and like they should when you are involved in a relationship, then it will not even cross their mind to begin with (There is a very, very fine line here though). It is not impossible. I, along with many others, do it all of the time. I am not building myself up and I am not trying to make myself seem better than anyone, because simply, I am not. But these values are easy to follow and sometimes people just need to hear that someone else out there really does practice it and believe in it, in order for them to find some sort of hope or motivation towards it. I can name you quite a few of these people that practice this day in and day out.

Anyways, I am still waiting for your call and I am growing so tired of it. Not tired as in getting over it. Tired as in I am ready for it to stop; the waiting, although I do not know if then end of it and you will ever come through. My mind goes weak when I try to process my situations over and over anymore. I really do miss you. Is it pathetic that I am still stuck on this almost a month after we were supposed to talk with each other, as promised? Is it pathetic that I am still stuck on you over a year after we have met? It is contradictive, but I do not find very much patheticalness in it, honestly. You proved for so long to be just as stuck on me, as I am on you. I do think that sometimes that it does hold quite a bit of petty poignancy, and then I remember exactly what we had. I guess a lot has happened in a year. I remember vividly, every moment that we have shared, between presence and complete absence. It has been such a back and forth chasing game, although I have to admit that I have never enjoyed chasing someone so much, or being chased, so much. Every time that I have gotten you back, it has been amazing and I am so tired of seeing you leave. I am so tired of not being able to take your hand when you try to leave or walk away, even though I know that it will probably lead to you telling me that you just need your space for a short while; that is fine, but I just want to be able to make that effort for you. I am so tired of not being able to look you in the eyes and tell you how I feel; I am so tired of giving off these unintentionally mixed signals that throw us both off of balance; I am tired of not fulfilling all of the things that we promised that we would do and fulfill; I am tired of not being able to pull you in right next to me, and I am tired of lying in an empty bed where I wish that I could turn over, and there you would be. I do miss you, I do. And I do not know if you have lost your feelings, but it seems so, more so than not, now. And all that I needed was so easy and the things that would come along with it, well there are no words to describe that and the overwhelming comfort that would come along with them. This last time that you said goodbye in the silent ways that I have known you to do, all that I needed was to see you once. Just once, and I guarantee that everything would be different right now between us; there would be no guessing anymore.

Because then I could take your hand when you try to leave and I could stop you; I could list and name as many of the countless reasons as to why your hand belongs in mine, as you would like; and I could turn over in my bed to find you laying there, where I could exhale every bad and uncomfortable emotion in my body, look you in the eyes, and tell you just how I feel.