Journal Entry #1: Introduction to Madness

This is the beginning of my most sincere declaims and my own personal discourses; my shortened harangues that filled my mind from day to day about a person that had a full grip on me. My mindsets fluctuated severely. From the beginning I found madness after my own personal reviews, but in time they formed into an overcoming; an overthrow of that hideous pain that throbs inside of our chests. This is irrationality overcome by rationality. This is confusion overcome by understanding. This is self-doubt silenced beneath the brays of self-worth realizations. This is crazy; and this is logic. And despite the mind hindering affects of love on an individual; despite the pity that you can feel for yourself when you find yourself in your weakest moments; despite that overwhelming feeling from another person that brings you to your knees; despite all of that, it’s what makes us the better person in the end. It’s what separates us from the one(s) that restrained their hands from helping you up off of the ground. It’s human predilection that so many so unfortunately ignore. It’s sincerity, and it’s heart – at its best. These journal entries will become the basis of my next lesson (Lessons to Life Part 3). So it begins.

Night one:

I have been trying to shake these headaches and spit this stutter out for hours, but it’s like they have been grabbing and gripping a hold of my tongue and my teeth every time that I try. I cannot find my words as I step back out of my concentration and watch myself from the other side of the room, wondering too hard even what to write here. I haven’t the explanations in my mind to describe how it feels. But it is a drive tearing through me; a sense of feeling with a devoted need to write, talk, act on, or do anything that feels like I’m moving in the right direction, which is everything that is your direction; a direction entirely at a latitudinal direction, opposing all senses of my life’s misdirections, because I feel like I somehow threw myself down the wrong way, and now I’m begging for recovery.

I honestly don’t remember the last time that I felt this way. All that I know is that it was a long time ago, and I have felt it before. Unfortunately, there is something too familiar about it. What scares me is that the worst only came out of this feeling; this intuition. And with every single ounce, inch, and wanting within my entire body, I’m using it to fuel the hopes and efforts that this isn’t what I’ve felt it to be before: An ending.

So I’ll sit here and drown you in cliché’s. At least I know that mine are honest. I would happily tear my own heart out just to prove something to you. I don’t know what it is though; love, anger, passion, wanting, understanding, comprehension, sympathy, or care? I’m still guessing myself, just trying to put my finger on it. And honestly, it all plays a role in it; every one of those words, and about one hundred more. But maybe I’m just desperate now to see you do the same. Maybe I just want to show you what I want you to show me. These words and the list of those things just do not end and I’m tired of them running so rampant in my own mind, slowly dragging by like the credits of a movie. It feels like my mind is on fire and I can feel it burning in my legs like I might as well be running these streets right here as I type this. And ironically for once, though running still doesn’t and never will seem like an answer, it seems like the easiest option; an easy way out for the weaker willed, which I am not. Which most of us typically are not. Sometimes we just find ourselves kneeling only because our biggest sensitivities are under attack. Any man can be taken by this. It’s funny, huh? What ideas come up in your own mind in the right situations; it can make you understand things that you thought that you would never understand. But still, through the accesses of my thoughts, it’s no use. Where would these legs take me and where would I take myself at this moment except in such a random and aimless course? Where would I end up? Where would I even go? I’ve got hundreds of friends and all of my family, but something about the sanctuary of their presence just doesn’t feel right at times like these. Just like anyone else knows, you can have one million friends, but when you hold a void that in time fills with love, the entire world combined cannot beat that one, single person who created and filled that void; especially when that one single person in your own way becomes your world. But they hardly know it and it feels like they’ll never know it to the entirety that I crave them to, no matter how hard that I try to show, say, and prove it. And it leaves me at a loss, as my intentions are not misguided, or misleading. My legs are growing far too weak to hold these statures together anymore; I was straining from the start. My emotions are standing next to you, screaming in your face; yelling for you to wake up and just take a hold of this, a hold of me, and a hold of everything that is us. Life has taught me well that miracles of this nature don’t happen every day in our lives, so where does that leave you and me? Because I swear with every single ounce and inch within my entire body, that this is better than a miracle, and much more rare than one too. I could never begin to find reason as to why anyone would let that go. So I don’t know what your excuse is. It’s not like you don’t see these possibilities too. We made them after all; heart to heart.

It’s eleven o’ clock and I feel like every minute is one more step to the edge of the world. And what’s after that, I just don’t know.

Hello sleeplessness. Thank you for befriending me tonight, but fuck you for the empty embrace that you derived from. I hope in this madness I find some comfort in you; just some way, and somehow.