Lessons to Life Part 2: You hold it, you wait, you hold it, and then you hold nothing back

It’s taken twenty years for my bones to grow and piece together to my stature of six feet tall. It took fifteen years for my mind to catch the pace of my body, and finally grow out of my childlike mindsets that we are all at one point, entirely wrapped up in. And it took five years following that to reach what I can only hope to be a mature and adult-like outlook on this thing that we call the world, and all of the people existing simultaneously within it. As for the life lessons, well I almost became buried in the massive amounts that smothered my existence. Sometimes it felt like I barely had room to breathe, and my muscles ached from the lack of room that held them in the same positions without a single stretch or an ounce of relief, and sometimes it seemed a better option to equip my mind with a purely stubborn attitude, and refuse to breathe or stretch even though I was starving for it. But, really though, to starve?...an American child such as myself doesn’t know what it is to starve; To be bent over, dry-heaving your guts out from your lack of food, emotion, parenting, or what have you. The only thing that I should find myself vomiting from is my safe position that I hold towards life, as opposed to the rest of this world. There are some places on this massive rock that I’m sure Hell even envies; places and people that Satan himself even sees as his own true god. But those two lines all matter upon your position and thoughts towards the countless religions held in this place. This isn’t a lecture about beliefs or Christianity. This isn’t me pushing a wall of what I believe is right to overshadow your beliefs. This is a short entry about maintaining an open mind, because if there is a god, I would only assume that he and/or she would only be understanding of how easy it is to be misled in our lifetime. Thus, an individual can never be blamed for having learned what they have been taught, and for believing strongly in exactly what it is that they have been taught. Because you don’t know what happens when that moment comes that your eyes roll back and your heart hits its last beat. Nobody does, and really I don’t believe that anybody has too many legitimate rights to act as if they do. But aside from the evil, the hate, the bad, the unknown, your indecisive time of death, and aside from your fear, there is always faith, and yes, even a godless faith.

My personal favorite definition:

-Faith [fath]- n.

1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

Faith is a loose term here; extremely loose. I hold close the idea that things will always have their ups and downs. Come on now; put the left side of your brain to use and use logic. Do you really think that just because you’re an angel, God suddenly takes away every bit of pain that you hold? I would hope not, because what then would be the point of an angel watching over you? To constantly smile even at your very worst? To just say that ‘things will get better so keep your head up?’ That’s what your friends and family are for. People take these actual, tangible guardian angels and completely disregard their worth. People, in general, are only seen as people, which is fucking sad. Don’t get me wrong. Nobody on this earth is a god by any means or anywhere close to it, but they are more than the usual shallow definition of a simple person, which is usually what comes to most people’s minds. Even mine as well when I don’t stop to think about it; I’m not innocent. And you better believe that I would be just as pissed off, standing right next to God, if I were to ‘look down’ and see one of my family members being robbed, or harmed, or whatever the case may be. I hold a strong belief in God, but I obviously have many questions to be answered. What annoys me is that faith’s attachment to God is man-made. When I pass, I will exhale with a heart full of faith that things will only get better, whether there is a god to help me with that or not. Just as when your heart is on the floor from some careless individual, but you must keep the faith that things will get better, even though at that time you are unsure of whether they will or not. I’ve been to my own personal hell, seen the endless tunnel that spits that shock up your spine and fills you with hopelessness, only to finally see the light when I was hanging on by one hand. I have faith in my God, I have faith in the better things to come, but I also know that bad and even terrible things are coming in my lifetime as well. But I keep the faith that no matter those things, I will prevail. And I keep the faith, that even if there isn’t a god, that there is something just as good. I keep the faith that if there are people that Satan even praises, then why can’t there be people that our gods praise themselves in their own ways, as well? So thus, I keep the faith that if I can be the best person that I know how to be, I will somehow attract these people into my life. So tell me now, what is the difference between a guardian angel that sends their best wishes from Heaven, as opposed to a friend that helps you make the right choices in your life? You can at least hear one, even if your beliefs don’t reside in an intuition with Heaven’s guardian angels.

My point is, you just never know. There isn’t a soul that we’re aware of that knows anything for certain. Even Einstein, who allegedly was a genius, was still entirely confused about life itself. You just never know what is going to happen next. You can expect it, but you will never truly know what it is tearing down the door right in front of you, which leads into my next discussion. More often than not, it always seems like the most unexpected things happen at the most unexpected times. And it could be anything; your cell phone going dead when you’re out somewhere on your own, but you could have sworn that you charged it earlier on; your tire going flat when you are on the way to see some friends that you haven’t in some time and you’ve been so excited the entire day, but a burden like that wasn’t even on your mind; even a situation like when you are counting on a family member to give you a ride down the road, but they change their mind at the last moment out of anger, confusion, laziness and/or everything in between for something you can’t even make sense about. I think when it’s so unexpected because either you trusted the object or person, or that it was a given that the object or person should come through for you, is when it hits your mind and your heart the hardest and leaves you breathless, upset, confused, and even at a constant wonder.

Sometimes you sit back and say to yourself, “Well shit why didn’t I see that coming? It was so obvious but I was so neglectful to those obvious things.” Sometimes you see those obvious things but fail to put two and two together. Or what’s worse, you didn’t see it coming at all; there were no signs; nothing screaming out at you and nothing catching your attention. Or for an even more horrible case, those signs were screaming right in your face so loudly that it should have been enough to make you fucking deaf, but you turned away from it and covered your ears.

I’ve noticed that we’re so quick to keep ourselves open to anything good that can be said or heard. We’re so unguarded to the things that make us feel better, smile, or even light up enough to know that someone made your day. We’re so ready to accept these things and to take them with pride, assurance by ourselves or by others, naiveness, innocuousness, and in some of the worst cases, hope. Even all of these combined and more at times. Just say that you are standing in a line and someone next to you tells you how pretty or good you look today; how they love your outfit or how handsome you may be. Some people get off on hearing insistencies of how someone would “fuck the shit out of you.” Personally that’s not me. But the point is that most of the time people do not see through this enough. I don’t mean that this person doesn’t mean it, because there are actually genuine people out there who truly feel the kind things that they speak no matter how they are put or how miniscule or great what they say may mean to you. But you can’t expect these few words to be what this person is made out of. Most likely you’ll walk away saying to yourself, “That person made my day and I hope maybe I’ll get to see them again.” Maybe you hit it off right there and decide to see each other again right after the fact, and of course I’m referring to this as a relationship, whether its lust all the way to love. But what you don’t realize is that you’ve already painted a picture of what this person is to you; sweet, charming, attractive, sexy, funny, awesome, or what have you. You’ve taken a blank canvas of what this person was and filled it with vibrancy around only the tiny bit of colors that you’ve discovered and you have made yourself a basis filled with hope and expectation, which is honestly unfair to both sides. This, in all reality, is nothing short of dangerous and destructive in the worlds of relationships and love, and even friendships.

I understand and agree that it’s hard not to get excited when you’ve found the tiniest bit of interest in someone; from personal experience to watching others. It’s really unfair to sell yourself short of that also, but on a personal note I find love to be all or nothing. I want the entire thing throughout my entire life. I guess I can call myself selfish for already wanting that one person, especially when a lot of others don’t yet. But that is an extreme point; if you believe so strongly in something like that only to meet someone that isn’t looking for the same, but you have built your own hopes around the little that you know of them in that picture that you’ve painted, it’s going to tear you down even somewhat to find that they are not bent on it also. The charm, attraction, kind words, and everything else just went out of the window for you. Shit, for some people such as myself, it got tossed out of the window going 130 mph down interstate 95 and it definitely wasn’t wearing a helmet.

My mother says I’m so serious about it and that I should worry less over it. Well yes, she is correct. But I also think that I come off in a frightening and even intimidating way. It’s funny because I can guarantee that it’s not near as serious as it seems. It’s hard to understand and even somewhat contradicting from what I say. I’m not going to die without it. I mean for a while I was even convinced that I was never going to be with anyone again, which I found myself to be okay with, because I believed that the girl that I want just wasn’t out there, but I have found my way out of that mindset. I’m not going to be some old, lonely, rude man because I haven’t found it at twenty years of age. I am not going to hate the world or the people in it because I haven’t found a girl that meets my expectations. I mean fuck, how selfish is that first of all? I even sound insulting when I say that which is the last thing that I intend to do. Just as some girls aren’t for me, I am just not the guy for some girls. It’s a two way street here and I am no king, so please take into account that I just punched any hint of conceit in the face with my last sentence, because I mean to come off with absolutely none. Now I’m not going to jump into any relationship and say I want to be with you for my entire life because that is just immature, naïve, and stupid; that decision takes time in my mind and a lot of it. But I do know that it is what I ultimately want and I just want to involve myself with someone that meets what I would like for them to in order for that to be a possibility one day, and especially vice versa. Nothing needs to be rushed. It takes time and a lot of it to sort through and discover every feature, belief, and moral of every person.

This is where your picture comes into place. I seemed to have a good hold on this idea, but until recently I had an even better one. You see I’ve learned not to paint a picture of people. I’ve learned not to expect from someone that I don’t know or to judge them from a standpoint of barely knowing them or even knowing them well. You don’t paint a picture of someone yourself. Honestly, that goes for anyone that you know because no matter how much you may know someone, you will truly never know them to their entirety and exact points. You let them paint the picture of them, themselves. Your blank canvas is the opportunity that you give them to be in your life; the opportunity of getting to know them; the opportunity all in itself. They decide which colors to use. They decide whether it’s black and white, red, blue, green, and so on. Ultimately, they decide what the picture all in itself is. They decide what they want to show you and what they want you to see.

I could put the instruments in front of several people and I bet that one person would come up with a disgusting, horrendous piece of art. Say a cheater, a fake, a loveless man, and sociopath was given this opportunity. With the names explaining this person’s lack of consideration and care in the first place I would believe that this person would come up with something close to a sickening picture; distorted grays and blacks carelessly rubbed over a picture filled with sex, greed, deceit, and selfishness; A man grinning with an empty hole he unjustifiably calls a heart. You can’t tell all of this from the start, but in due time I know that I would easily make the decision that I would keep this person out of my life, but the key words are “in due time.” You can constantly get the wrong impression of someone, so I’ve learned that the safest bet is to give them the benefit of the doubt, even if the benefit of the doubt consists of ten separate chances. Because by that point, they in all likeliness will have defined themselves to you. So if they truly are this heartless as mentioned above, then you will know soon enough.

Now say another steps up; a man or woman who isn’t always looking out for themselves. They genuinely care about the well being of others. They have felt love or want to feel it with all good intentions and they want everyone else to feel that overwhelming warmth as well. What do you think they’ll come up with? I would guess nothing short of the words beautiful, admirable, elegant, and captivating. I bet vibrancy would litter the paper with pictures of passionate people, loving people, happiness, and a well being of every person in this world to its entirety. Happiness would be an arm’s length away and the feeling of being sad would be missing and never missed. There would be meaning behind everything; every pose on that picture, every movement, and every word. Elegance, self-worth, self-respect, morality, grace, education and class would scream out at you in every sense. I believe this is what every person is after, but fails to realize it or its true meaning. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just know that it’s what I want. They’re actually lyrics to one of my songs and what I want; elegance, self-worth, self-respect, morality, grace, education, class and responsibility. I think one thing that differs with me is the fact that I have the patience to wait for it because I know that these types of people, whether they’re a friend or more, are worth that wait and potential upsets of knowing whether I want them in my life. My best friends are a tried and true example. I have known them from anywhere from four to twelve years and these people are still number one in my life and always will be, which is one reason that I don’t approve of the order of top eights on MySpace. Each of them will always be number one to me for the same reasons and also for their own unique reasons.

A lot of people reading this may still be wondering where I’m exactly heading with this now. You may be unsure of what any of it really means so far. Well, no worries because that’s one thing I was trying to do. Breathe easy because I know that sometimes I have complex sentences, so my apologies.

If you have read my first blog (Lessons to life part 1) then you understand how low that I have sunk in my life before. Beforehand I felt like I was on top of the world with a girl only to be put in my place in a grave six feet below it. I guess the only word to describe how I felt is hopeless. But as time does with everything, it helped, and it helped incredibly. I wouldn’t believe that at first, but eventually did. Once again I found myself on my own two feet.

As painful as my experience was, after the majority of it was over I found myself so thankful for what had happened. Now more than ever, I see so clearly what I couldn’t before. Now I know more than ever what I really want. The person that I was with just isn’t it. Don’t get me wrong, I truly loved this person with my entire heart, mind, body, and soul but I realized something after our attachment was broken: I believe a key to happiness in a relationship is to make sure that you do no settle for less than what you want, which is something that I did. I have learned well not to do that. It gives me something to look forward to in my future because I am sure that as more time passes I will become even more aware of what I’m looking for in this lifetime, no matter what heartaches may come along the way. I know this to be true because I have experienced it not long ago.

I stumbled upon someone recently. Someone I thought to be nothing shy of amazing. This girl defined that word in every sense to me. My first love did as well, but after we parted and all of the incredible and also heartless things that I experienced had happened, I realized what I was looking for in a sense that exceeded what I had ever known before, one thousand times over. It gave me an entirely new idea of amazing. This new person that entered my life met almost all of these wants on ridiculous levels. In all honesty you just couldn’t compare her to anyone because she towered over everyone so easily. She was so many things that I wanted and so importantly, she was not all of these things that I didn’t want. I’m very sensitive to a few things when it comes to personality and morality and I have only met a few girls in my lifetime that didn’t hold the beliefs or the morals that turn me off so quickly. Of course, I have also only gotten close enough to a few girls to be able to see this or not, so that does not mean that anyone else that I know doesn’t hold these ideas as well. They very well could and I hope to realize that and have them in my life in any way. It’s actually really unfair and I am aware of that. It’s selfish also. Those are two things that I never want to be towards anybody, but for some reason that I can’t explain, when it comes to relationships I hold these things very close. It leaves me aware that I in all chances have standards too high for myself and wouldn’t deserve this girl if I met her anyways, because nobody deserves to put up with a selfish and unfair person, let alone this girl which I label ‘amazing.’ I hope not to offend anybody. I hope if you’re reading this that you understand that I don’t hold myself above anybody. The words that I’ve said in the last few sentences could easily give that impression. I just have my own ideas of what would make a girl better for me. I believe that whoever I may end up with deserves every ounce of me. I just know that if any of these ideas get in the way, such as what I described as a “turn off,” it will lead me to hold back and that just is not fair to anyone. I just want to be able to give every part of myself to whoever I end up being with, because simply put, that is only what people deserve and not a thing less. The way I see it is somewhat simple really. Like I said, if I hold back then it will ultimately hold back everything; if someone has slept around, I will not trust them as much as I should or believe they have enough self-respect as much as I should(given that these are my beliefs); if someone doesn’t care to better themselves at all, then I will not respect them as much as I should; if someone doesn’t believe that they are truly worth everything that someone has to give, then I will guiltily feel like I am somehow above them because I believe that I do (just as I believe everyone does) and I shouldn’t; and so many more things. Now if I am with a person that meets the standards that I would like her to, such as these then I am obviously going to care for that person more, respect them more, want to be with them even more, and want to be better for them as well. It’s just like how you end up having feelings for someone anyway. You may be physically incredibly attracted to someone, but they’re an asshole. Or you may not be very attracted physically to someone, but they’re sincere and caring. Split these two up and how do you feel about each? Be entirely honest with yourself, entirely. Now put them together and take the bad parts out. Now how much more are you going to like this person that is attractive, sincere, and caring instead of one or the other? Even if you look to someone for what’s on the inside, you cannot deny that an attraction physically is a plus (or maybe I’m just shallow).But either way, this is what I am aiming for; to care as much as I possibly can and when I do that, I will ultimately want to be the absolute best that I can be and even constantly improve myself in every way for them. In my mind, this is what every person deserves, so I don’t feel like I have any right to give anybody any less than this. Contradictively, I guess my selfishness, when it comes to this, is what will make a relationship better for whoever I am with and myself as well. It’s kind of funny in a sense, huh? It makes me feel like a self-righteous, conceited, selfish, self-centered, and meritorious asshole. I hate labeling myself as any of these words or any of the like, but I mean what else can you call it? In all honesty, what it truly comes down to is the fact that I just want to make whoever I end up with as happy as I possibly can and what I have explained is what I know it will take for me to achieve that.

Now, this new person that I stumbled upon was incredibly and especially wonderful. Everything about her surpassed what I expected from anyone really. She had a heart the size of one million people in this world combined. She cared about everyone else and always thought about everyone else even if she didn’t know them. She would be driving and had the mindset of ‘well I don’t like being cut off, so I won’t cut someone else off.’ I remember when she told me those exact words as clear as day. It stunned me because that’s a mindset that I have, but I have failed to meet barely any people who hold it, believe it, and practice it as religiously as I do also, although I am aware that they are out there. I just haven’t met them, let alone a girl that I was interested in. It’s not an exact point either; it is an example. It wasn’t just the fact that she wouldn’t cut someone off because she didn’t want to be either. She decided for herself ‘why would I do something to someone that I don’t want done to me?’ That spells out selflessness and care in my opinion. So many people are out for only themselves and as much as they may dislike something like being cut off, they won’t think twice to do it to another. It may seem like such a small idea to you, but when someone thinks about something like that when it is at such a small level it shows a big picture of who they really are. She was honest and sincere. I swear that I could even hear the honesty in her voice and it always left me with an overwhelming comfort. A lot of people say things that I just don’t trust or I am hesitant to believe, but it wasn’t like that with her. A lot of the time, if not all of it, I want to see proof to believe something about someone and she backed that up with every word she spoke and action that she took. So many efforts from her were about the world; about fixing it and all of the problems in it; about giving what she had to others because they were lacking it a little bit or severely. She was about saying and believing “This isn’t for me, but it’s for you. I can go without this and I am happy to give it to you. I just want to help.” Donations towards animals and people were always a must, whether it was physical labor, money, or what have you. She was about love, in every way. Sex was more than just another emotionless fuck between two people. It was about one and the other prying each other’s fucking rib cages wide open and taking a home in that thing we call a heart, because she believed that is where sex should come from; the heart. I never met another that believed that as relentlessly and deeply as I did until I met her. I think that was the moment that she really took a hold of me.

In her lifetime she wanted to help people even as a career. If it wasn’t people, it was animals or something along those lines. Most people decide their careers depending on how much money they’ll make. If that is your decision then the more power to you, but it wasn’t about that for her. Her passion came from helping life in general. In the world today she was the extreme opposite of Osama Bin Laden’s wanting toward Americans (Given that if our government in fact, has not misled us concerning this subject). I think that speaks enough for itself. She was as responsible as they come, which was so immensely important to me. I believe that people who have the strength to do what they need to do, no matter what, also have the strength that a lasting relationship takes.

She had experienced some of the most leveling situations already in her life. As horrible as this sounds, it is also something that I wanted. As much as I wish that I could take that away from someone, it truly moulds you and turns you into the person that you are and in her case, an incredible one. My stepfather committed suicide in July of 2004 because of one reason; he loved my mother, my two sisters, myself, and his two daughters far too much. He loved and was selfless to a fault. The man he was, which was the most amazing man that I have ever met (and I don’t say that just because he has passed away), left so many ideas, values, and morals that I have tried to constantly follow. Because of him I have seen the most amazing things that life has to offer between love and family. I can only pray that I get to see and feel the wonderful things that he did. This is where the entire idea of the bad situations (just like any situation) turning you into the person you are, comes from. Although I don’t think that I am that great of a person, or at least where I want to be as a person, I still try to better myself day after day and I try to continue to follow in his footsteps while keeping myself from making the same mistakes and fatal mistakes that he did. I love that man and I miss him every single day and she too, had a story of the same qualities.

She always told me how much she cared, constantly. It’s like she wouldn’t let me go without me knowing. I was the same way. You know, they say that Leos need to be showered with constant affection. I believe that this is one thing that truly unlocks their potential for a relationship and any relationship. But I’ve learned that I also don’t need that. As much as I like it, I believe that it’s somewhat selfish to constantly expect that from someone. Simply because, a person can’t constantly be giving you loads of attention. A little thing called life gets in the way sometimes and everything cannot always be about you. Maybe it’s work, sickness, distance, or whatever the case may be. But it is only fair to ask the person that you are with to tell you at least every once in a while. Personally, when I care about someone I can’t hold it in or back. I like to constantly remind them, even if it’s ten seconds after I’ve just reminded them again haha. The point is she was honest about her feelings; she spoke what she felt; she actually talked about them. When she was upset she wouldn’t, but she would level with me and try to change that and talk with me about them, which is more than I could have asked for. In my opinion, when someone is trying to change something about them for you, it shows even more effort than the actual process of doing it. It’s one thing to be able to do something, but it’s another to not be able to and try to change that about yourself for another. Compromising, adapting, and leveling are huge factors in relationships that decide whether a person is a good choice for you or not. It’s not always about what they already are being what you like, want, and/or need, but also and mainly (in my experiences) about the willingness of that person to change or adapt themselves to become any of those. She didn’t fall short of this either.

She didn’t judge people. That’s one thing that I can’t stand. Have you ever seen the teenage high school movies where the popular girls are always too good for anyone? They walk through the hallways snuffing at anyone that doesn’t look “cool” to them or isn’t known to be “cool.” Does it drive you as crazy as it does me? It’s not fair to anyone to be this way towards them, no matter what degree that you take it to. I believe that everyone deserves chances. Most people blow that idea off right there, because for some reason the word chance automatically registers as acceptance in their minds. You don’t have to like someone. There will always be people in the world that you won’t want to be around, but don’t just throw someone out because of a first, second, or third impression. It’s the exact same as painting a picture of a person you are interested in. Let them paint it. It is completely wrong to decide who and what a person is all on your own without giving them a fair fight. Once again, these of course are my beliefs, but she stuck to them herself as well.

This list goes on and on, but to get to the point, I guess what I’m really trying to explain is how incredible I found her. Within a few months she created this amazing picture of herself so breathtaking to me that I can’t even begin to explain the things I truly saw. She was a gorgeous girl already, but all of these things made her 98,437,438,971,919 times more beautiful to me. I believed in her so much. Every bet I had would have been placed on her; every shot that I was willing to take. I explained how cautious that I was with relationships and the reasons for that. She understood and with all sincerity she told me over and over “I’m not going to hurt you” until I finally, completely, believed it. I was convinced that this person would never harm me and if they did, the ways that they would go about it would be as tactful as they possibly could make it just like I would attempt to do. I’m not talking about cheating, or lying to protect someone’s feelings; in my mind that is just cowardice. What I mean is just like if I was to leave someone I would have to be entirely honest with what I tell them and the reasons that I give them; I would try my best to be as tact as I possibly could be; and another extremely important point to me would be for me to make it a point of the impact that they had on me. A lot of people end up being enemies. I’ve experienced it myself and I truly cannot stand it. But I believe a lot of people cover up those feelings that they had with anger, dislike, and/or hatred. It seems easier. But those people deserve to know that there was something special about them, and there was if they made you feel better than the majority of the world can. They deserve to know that they don’t fall short as a person. They deserve to know that they weren’t just another one on the list. If you have created a list like that in your mind in the first place, where in the hell do you get the idea of people that you conceive feelings for being “just another person?” In my mind nobody is “just another person.” But if you do feel that way about people, why aren’t those people the ones that walk by you on the street; the ones that you glance at or miss because you’re glancing at another person at that moment. They are “just another person.” The people that convince your mind and soul to grow feelings for them are more than that and every fucking person on this earth deserves to know that, whether you are together or not. Break ups tend to be so horrible because people come up so incredibly shallow with them. Of course acting otherwise won’t fix the hurt of being without them, but it can fix the hurt of thinking that you’re less than you really are; that you’re not good enough; that someone is better than you; that you’re lacking or whatever questions or worries may arise in your mind. Now you’re probably thinking “What a hypocrite! If you were to break up with someone because they don’t match your ‘standards’ then of course they’re going to feel like they’re not good enough and you have proven that with your ‘standards’ having been compared to them!” Well, you are right about that, but the thing is that I have learned not to lead people on. I refuse to let someone get their hopes up on me if I don’t feel the same way. I will not do that to a person so when it comes down to it, that outcome of my standards being compared to them in their own mind, won’t happen. I would love for someone to give me one good reason of why it’s okay to lead someone on; possibly because it helps you in one way or another? If that is the idea in your mind, just stop a second and rethink of how selfish that sentence is: You have just pushed aside another’s feelings to better your own. You have no right, yet half of the world thinks that they are entitled to that for some reason. After every heartbreak that I’ve experienced I have always waited patiently for myself to heal enough to know that I am ready to give someone else a shot, because as I have stated, that person deserves every ounce of me and I cannot give that while I’m still held back from heartache; anywhere from several months to three years. I don’t understand why it is so easy to neglect this. People find another person to help them get over the last. Come on, now you have just made someone an object to once again, help yourself and only yourself. Personally I don’t ever want to be anyone’s rebound or fix to their lonely night. This enrages me about many believers of God. You believe that Jesus died on the cross for you, yet you won’t stop to think that I shouldn’t do this unfair act to this undeserving person first off, because I don’t truly need to and second, because it’s wrong? If Jesus Christ thought like that and your lives were on the line, well I seriously doubt that you would be here right now. I just don’t see why it’s so hard for people to understand this concept. This girl showed me that she did. I explained my hesitance and why I find it hard for me to fall in love simply because I am cautious and I want to be sure. She gave me the constant reminders that I can’t hold back; that I can’t be afraid. She was right. I could be cautious, but I didn’t have to be so scared. We had a situation where we both bottled up and wouldn’t talk the problem out in the right way. I tried my best to level, but couldn’t get any words out of her. I told her that if we can’t learn to talk, then I don’t think that we should be together, seeing that relationships thrive off of communication. She started crying and hung up on me. I realized how wrong that I was by trying to force something like that onto her, but in my ignorance I didn’t see a better way to get the point across so clearly. I called back over and over, but she never answered. The next day when she finally worked her courage up to talk she asked me why I wouldn’t fight for her. She said, “If you care about something so much, why wouldn’t you fight for it?” Well, personally I believe strongly in this and I guarantee that I will fight for what I love harder than almost anyone that you have ever seen. I explained this to her. I explained that I needed to know that she still wanted to be fought for, because if all you do is act like you don’t want it then it will in time eventually beat my will down and I won’t be able to continue anymore. I know this because it has happened before. I fought until I literally couldn’t fight anymore. She said that she understood and again gave all hints to fight for her, so that is what I intended to do. You see, she broke through this 6 inch plate of armor than I had surrounding my heart and little by little she worked her way into it, making me feel better things than any girl had ever made me feel before. She told me that I did the same; that I made her feel something that she never has; something unreal and indescribable. She said that she had never loved before, which was a worry at first, but she continued to back up that she was well aware of love as a subject to the point that she was not naïve or inexperienced about it at all, so I lost all of my worries about that. To take it to the point, she told me that she loved me. I even got a call one night because she was so upset that I hadn’t told her that I loved her yet. She said that it was the most spectacular thing and all she wants to do is tell me, but she’s been afraid of what I would say. I understood. I mean, after the words and feelings that we exchanged, how could I not? I still remember the words “I want to be with you for a long, long time James” bouncing off of the walls in my head after she told me time and time again, making me light up more than I ever imagined that I could. There wasn’t a storm during any of these moments that could chill the warmth I felt from her words. I quote and build around my lyrics: You know that feeling of wanting to be something more? Wanting to be something bigger? Where you want to be a part of something so great that there is just this hole inside of you until you fill it with that one and only satisfying thing, and the one and only satisfying thing is so great that every mountain stacked cannot beat its heights and the world circled one hundred times could not beat its extent? For a moment again, I thought I had found what I was looking for.

Everything slowed down from there. In fact it almost came to a screeching halt. Everything just kind of stopped. No more reassuring words. No more texts asking if we could go camping, play in the snow, or build forts. No more words telling me how safe I made her feel, or how I want to be with you on Christmas. I continued with mine, but was lucky to ever get a single response from them. I made phone calls only to hear the voicemail; the one that I wanted her to set up so my friends and I could call and sing stupid songs to her. Nights waiting for that phone to ring back, because I knew that she would call back, or at least I thought that I did. Every single thing came into question. Of course I started to wonder and worry. I brought it up only for her to get angry with me. We talked it out and I explained how the change made me feel; even though these impressions that I was getting may not be what she intended, it was still the impression that I was getting and how I felt. I decided and agreed that things can’t always be the way that they are at the beginning of a relationship, or at least how the beginning of ours was. Even though I really didn’t see or understand why not, I comprehended. I let it go and just told myself not to worry. I have always trusted my intuition, especially after my first love who completely leveled my heart, but I would blow it off this time around no matter how right I have been before. I would give her the benefit of the doubt for a week to two weeks, and when I was on the verge of complaining the next few times, she would tell me that her feelings hadn’t changed and that she has just been busy. She would always apologize. It was enough to straighten me out and I did understand her schedule anyways, so there was no way that I could fairly get upset at her about it. But the lack of presence continued in every way. Eventually, after a patient wait, I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to write her a fucking e-mail breaking things off because I couldn’t even get a hold of her. A fucking e-mail. How fucking pathetic is that? I felt so low. But still, like I said that I have learned to do, I was honest, respectful, careful, sincere, polite, and as complimenting as I knew how to be.

I just didn’t understand. I got the feeling that she just wasn’t being honest about something. An ex boyfriend of hers had called her just before all of this started and said some upsetting things to her. I tried and tried to get her to tell me what he said so I could defend her, but she responded that there’s nothing that I could defend and that it “was none of my fucking business anyway.” It was completely unexpected. This wasn’t her and I just didn’t even know what to think. Since when is it not a boyfriend’s business what some other guy says to his girlfriend when it is so upsetting? If she doesn’t want to talk about it, I understand. It’s wrong to try to force things like that out of someone; you should try to find a way around it instead of trying to pry it out of them. But what I didn’t understand more is the fact that beforehand, she always seemed to turn to me. She didn’t have a problem telling me. I mean, when you truly care about your partner and rely on them even somewhat, don’t you like turning to them when bad things happen? It felt like she didn’t turn to me at all anymore. Maybe I thought too forwardly and analytically about it. I questioned myself; “Have I taken this too seriously? How could I have? There just, is no way. She felt the same.” I think that I was just trying to fight back my intuition more than anything and I was just trying to find another answer, but it kept pointing straight to that every time that I did. Something was wrong and either she or my feelings weren’t being honest. What hit me the hardest though, was that after I sent her the message, she never even called.

I was with a couple of good friends a night or two later. I was up all night staring right at the ceiling. I sent her a text, seeing that it was so late, and told her that I tried to disregard everything and my feelings, but just couldn’t. She responded with a short message that didn’t help and a goodnight. It was such an empty goodnight. We always made sure to tell each other goodnight and most of the time I stayed on the phone until she fell asleep.

The next day she wanted to talk. She wanted to know exactly what I meant by my text, so I told her. It was self-explanatory; I just couldn’t disregard my feelings; I can’t just throw them out; I can’t just forget them; I can’t shove them aside. She didn’t sound impressed. Not that I wanted her to, but I expected a little more than an “oh” just out of respect at least. I asked her if she had anything else to say and she responded, “No.” I couldn’t believe it. I was as stunned as ever. This girl tells me to fight for her, to believe in her, to trust her, yet she won’t even lift a finger for me to dial my number anymore? She won’t even give me more than a simple “no?” My first thought was who the hell are you and what the fuck did you do with the girl that I know and care about? She continued to say that “It’s just my personality. The way I treated you and me having nothing to say.” My jaw dropped. I said I don’t understand because that’s not the personality that I got from you at first. She said, “I just changed.” I stared off. I didn’t even know what to think. Really all I could think about were our past conversations; the ones where she so incessantly told me that she wouldn’t hurt me. I knew better than to believe the entire statement “I’m not going to hurt you,” but I truly believed that she wouldn’t hurt me in such a cold way like this. Along with these reassurances came a conversation about our exes. We both exchanged our stories about how each of our exes just changed with time, and changed into something that we both just couldn’t stand. She said “I will not change on you like that,” with all of the sincerity and honesty that I felt and had heard before. I said the same, and that is one statement that I have never meant more than any other in my entire life. I mean that towards anybody and everybody. It was horrific the change I saw from my first love and I refuse to do that to anyone. Our conversation continued and she went on to tell me that she was doing nothing more than using me; for a good feeling and something to fill a hole that someone had left before. These were one of the very few moments in my life that I have been entirely speechless. I must have looked like a fucking idiot with my jaw dropped wide open, wide eyed, and flushed. She tried to defend and justify herself by saying that “I just figured that out, so I’m not a shitty person.” My response in my head was “Are you numb to your own feelings or something?! If you’re not over someone, how can you not tell that?! You never should have gotten involved with me!” Everything that I thought she was, was beginning to unravel into the exact opposite of what I thought she truly was. She was instantly turning into this person that didn’t practice any of the ideas that I held, and what I thought she held so closely. I said “For future reference, when you are talking to another person, don’t tell them that you’re not going to hurt them or change, and don’t make them believe it!” She responds, “When did I say that?” My heart hit the floor, and it hit it harder than any fall that I have ever seen someone take before. In all staidness I asked her if she was serious. I continued to talk, but she only blew me off and cut me off with short phrases like “blah blah blah.” She didn’t care and all that she could respond with was either that or, “I guess I just changed.” She then went on to say, “Look, everything I said tonight wasn’t true, just harsh, to make it so you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I don’t want you to think I’m weak because I can’t handle things.” Okay people, for the love of the good lord, don’t do this to other human beings. Do you really think that it’s okay to hurt someone so much, so unnecessarily, because you simply can’t handle it? Once again, you have made it all about yourself. There are ways around this that will benefit both sides, just use your head and your heart. I continued to talk and ask her questions, but she simply stopped responding. I wrote several more things like “I guess I knew you really didn’t care because I thought you would fight for me.” Again, she didn’t respond. She left me hanging; sitting there waiting; hoping with everything in me that she would just give me something, but she never did. I wrote pages of sincerity explaining why I couldn’t be with her. Given the fact that she didn’t ask for it, but you have to realize that people deserve nothing less than that. There was no way I would have ever given her a conversation like she had just given me, and when it came down to it, she did not even give me a goodbye. Not even a fucking goodbye. Even a simple “You didn’t deserve this and it is only me that is not ready. I am sorry that I’ve put you through what I have” would have done wonders. Think about it people. The person that hurt you the most; the things they did and said. If they had at least told you this, how much more would it have helped? Chances are that it would have helped incredibly. Of course it would not fix things, but if someone could just say that and mean it to you, well it would help that throbbing head and heart of yours so much. Maybe at least to the point where you would actually believe that it’s nothing that has to do with you, and this ladies and gents, could be your confidence, self-worth, fortitude, and faith in one’s self, savior. How many times have you sat there and thought that “it’s something that has to do with me. It has to be. If I was better, well then things wouldn’t be like this. This person would want to be with me.” You only deserve for that person to let you know that it is not you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just because you may not work out with another person, does not by any means mean that there is something wrong with you. It just means that there is a better, more understanding person out there that better suits you. You’re not messed up in the head because your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t agree with you, excluding any obvious, bad ideas such as cheating.

The entire night my once wide, calm, deep breaths for some reason shrunk to small, panicked, gusting ones instead. I stared up the whole night, not sleeping for one minute. It was uncomfortable to breathe too deep and I haven’t a clue why. Maybe it was because I was in complete shock. I didn’t know what to think; what to tell myself; what to ask any of my best friends. Shit, they didn’t even know what to tell me or what to think. They were in just as much shock as I was. The things that she said truly hit home. They hurt, but also the deceit hurt even more. The unexpectedness left with a feeling that felt as if my chest had been cut open and everything inside was unprotected from every angle. It felt like someone was reaching up from the ground, reaching inside of me and pulling at my heart, weighing me down to the ground. I laid there and thought to myself, “You were my hope. I told you that over and over. You were everything that every girl I have ever met wasn’t. You were all of the good that I was looking for. But you were fake and you were a cover up. You wore a mask. Who you have shown me that you are is exactly what I aim to keep out of my life.” You see, when it came down to the point where you should show your heart the most and act on it the most, she failed in every way. What she did, you just don’t do to people. I thought she agreed with that and I thought that it was as obvious to her as it was to me. She had the heart of a saint for everything else, but where did it go when it was needed the most?

I didn’t start to come around until a few days later; to the point where I could start truly realizing what had happened. I was in shock for so long and now that I think about it, it was even longer. I called my best friend Meagan to get some sort of comfort, though for one of the only times in my life I really didn’t know what to say or what exactly it was that I needed comfort over. She always and has always made me feel better though. She backed me up without insulting this girl, which is what I needed. I never liked it when any of my family and/or friends got mad at someone that I cared about and she knows that. She simply told me, “We’ll get through this.” That is the heart that I am talking about that I wish so many people had; the heart that I believed this girl had. Even though this thing is in my body and we are attached in no way, she felt what I felt, or at least tried to, and she took it upon herself to be willing enough to let her own heart hurt, to be there no matter what to help mine heal. It was the ‘We’ll’ in the sentence; something in it that made me feel like, at least for a moment, that we shared the same heart; that I was worth it for her to feel that hurt also; that I was worth it to stand next to me, holding my hand as long as it took, and to look at me in the face and tell me and make me feel that I didn’t deserve what had happened, over and over until I finally got it; it was the fact that as quick and willing as someone was to leave me that I cared about so much, there was a true heart to show me so clearly how they wouldn’t leave me, and how a true heart should be. The lack of the other girl’s heart stood bolder than ever. Though I still don’t understand it or whether that lack of heart was temporary or permanent, I understood that the actions that she took were heartless. Most people end up making excuses for someone and their lack of heart. You don’t deserve to have to do this. You deserve only not to have to do it and nothing less. This time around I wouldn’t give a person this advantage and benefit. It’s nothing short of wrong.

I spoke with another one of my best friends, Jon. For so long I really believed that I didn’t need advice on relationships. I mean, I don’t think that I did. I had a head so straight and an understanding so clear that I always seemed to figure things out on my own. Most people came to me for advice. I feel like I’ve lost this along the way somewhere. Luckily I had him to talk to. He’s always had a very concrete general and profound outlook on how things should be. We usually end up seeing things very eye to eye, I guess because we’ve been through a lot of the same, in best terms, bullshit; we understand the things that we don’t need or deserve to deal with. Even though I didn’t want to give this girl excuses for what she did, I found myself hinting at them when I would talk to him. He set me straight with an understanding of how I was not wrong. He said, “Shit man, you basically poured your heart into a crystal glass for her.” He hinted that, “It’s not you. It’s ridiculous for some girl to make some crazy statements like those.” I could only thank him for twisting my head back on straight. There was a time when I was at a lowest point in my life and I felt entirely hopeless. At a breakdown point he told me that he loved me. We tell all of our best friends this, because they are nothing short of brothers to me, as they have told me that I am to them. I grew up with this kid and we’re going on thirteen years of friendship. He picked me up off of the floor and basically shouted loud enough to get the idea stuck in my head; that I was worth more than nothing; that there was hope; that I had the love from other people that I had recently lost from another. He told me that one day we’ll all be forty years old, sitting on a porch laughing about these things and how crazy we were being young and in love. He said that I hope my kids meet you one day and that you are an influence in their lives. He told me, “I love you James Burrus Canady III and I wouldn’t die for you, I would die with you.” Once again, this is the heart that I find so many people lacking. Maybe lacking isn’t even the right word. Maybe they just don’t know how to use it or express it, or maybe they’re just afraid. But this is what I have surrounded myself with and every single time that I talk with each of my best friends I thank God so much for putting these people in my life. I will never be able to realize how lucky I am, truly lucky, to be able to call them friend, let alone best friend. They have helped me once again, stand on my own two feet and I stand with my head as high as ever, putting these horrible things behind me. I have learned from them and will continue to learn from them. More importantly in my mind, I have learned to never do these things to another.

I took that lesson into motion a little while back, when I had a flash back to all of this. I was lying in bed one night tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep; trying to get comfortable. I didn’t know what it was. My mind just wouldn’t ease and go to rest. I really honestly found myself thinking about all of this again for a while. I mean, something like that doesn’t leave my head quickly any ways; it usually takes a very long time, but it was one of those points where you may be completely fine one minute, but are thrown back down to the bottom the next. I found myself fighting to fall asleep. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I had concentrated on it so much already that my head began to hurt, but luckily in the hours to come, I finally did manage to close my eyes and fall asleep. That constant picture of the ceiling through my eyes, finally, slowly faded.

The next thing that I knew was that I was standing in the middle of some sort of field. “What the hell is this,” I thought to myself. I was right between two sides and two groups of men enraged and begging to tear at each other’s throats. Some had their faces painted such as with blue stripes, some were yelling to begin this crazy episode that I found myself caught in, but all of them were ready to charge one another at a moment’s notice. Immediately, I felt one of the worst fears that I have ever felt. I watched every side of me, focusing on everybody and everything. I watched to make sure that I would keep myself out of harm’s way, but then I felt some sort of relief as I noticed that not a single person was coming my way, or really even noticing me. I then felt myself watching from an outside’s perspective; an outside’s vision. I watched these men clash into each other and begin their fighting. I have seen horrible things in my life, but nothing like I watched these men do to each other. I heard screaming and yelling. Voices that made your entire backbone lock up in its own fear and disgust. These men were killing each other, harming each other, doing anything that they could to cause any pain to the other. I was sick. I watched as one man, caught on top of another man, bit his lip with his teeth in a struggle and pulled back as hard as he could, ripping the man’s skin right from his face. He clutched it and pulled as hard as he could, completely destroying the appearance of the man. Another began to aid him as it happened. I felt my stomach burning from how sick I was from watching this. Another man bit another, on the arm, and then the body, and I noticed that more than anything I witnessed men biting each other. They took any instrument they had to try to kill the other, and others did everything that they could to stop another from harming them so badly. Suddenly, abruptly and quickly, I woke up. It was nothing but a dream and nothing more. I told myself, “Wow that was one fucked up dream.” I sat there in disgust still. I was amazed at how horrible of a dream that my mind could contrive. Again I told myself that it was only a dream, but kept repeating to myself how could a dream feel and seem so real? I still felt everything that I felt while I was in it. I remembered every single one of these details in such a vivid picture that it literally made me sick to my stomach. I sat up, and for some reason broke down. I didn’t know what was happening. In the dream dictionary they say that biting is an emotional cry for help. When I read this, well it put enough sense into the dream for me to understand that it was an incredible emotional cry for help. I didn’t even want to look into what the rest could mean. I felt so guilty for having this dream in the first place. I mean, how could someone that isn’t screwed up in their head come up with a dream like this? I didn’t and still don’t know what to think about it. All I know is that I have had more than one of these dreams in my life. The others weren’t near as graphic, but they were just as oppressive and meaningful as this one. The others came when I needed them at desperate times in my life. I cannot explain them, but I know that they helped me in ways that I could never describe. Then it hit me. I just was not ready to put myself out there yet for another relationship. I realized that because I realized how messed up I still was from what this girl had done to me. I was in the midst of talking with another person, only at the level of interest, but it was clear that I was not ready. I got myself out of bed and explained this to them right then and there; I put my lesson into use. I refused to let myself hurt this person or lead them on a second longer (because that is then what I would have been doing, knowing that I wasn’t ready) who also was so undeserving of something like that. I laid there, awake the rest of the night and morning. My next day drug by and I drug my feet along with it, but I took the bright side of all of it. Slowly I began to raise my head again, knowing in my head and heart that I did the right thing that needed to happen at the time. I was so devastated from how much I ended up not knowing about this girl, when I thought that I knew so much about her. And if it wasn’t that, then I was so devastated from the fact that she would actually do what she did to me. Maybe she was lying about herself the entire time, maybe not. I don’t think that I will ever know now. Maybe there was more to it than just what I was shown. I mean, maybe in all likeliness she saved me from something worse that could have happened. Or maybe she truly is as selfish as she proved to be in the end.

With everything in me, I hope that you see how all of this adds up to my statements of painting a picture of someone. It’s like I said, you shouldn’t even do that no matter how long you have known them, or how well you think that you may know them. What I thought this person was, well in the end and the last impression that I was given, was that that they weren’t what I thought they were. It’s one way to truly be safe about the people that you bring into your life. My best friends have been by my side for up to twelve years, and they have shown me what and who they really are. They were never fake and they proved that with time, because time, honesty, and sincerity are what it takes. Although I will never know them one hundred percent, I know them close to it; close enough and well enough to make my judgments. This particular person took a big part of me and even though they were so short with me in the end, I will not just leave them hanging like they did to me. I even wrote them one last message explaining that; and that if they ever need me for anything, I will be here. Your life, trust, love, and efforts are worth so much more than you really think or are aware of. In more ways than one; there is more value to them than you can imagine and they can have more meaning to another, more than you could ever imagine. I promised myself that I would find the love that I want, or else I would die alone trying to. I stand by this. I know what I want and I think that is one reason why so many people fall short with relationships; because they don’t know what they truly want. Or they may even think that they do or they may even trick themselves into thinking that they do, but they really don’t. There is no second guessing this. Try to be aware of what you are feeling. You don’t want to be hurt so why would you take the chance of hurting another? If you think low of someone for doing that, then don’t be that low either. Here is the most cliché tag that I’ll provide for this writing, and please forgive me, but: Be the change that you want to see. I want to find what I am looking for, so terribly, but I understand that it is going to take time. I am happy to say that I have grown the patience to do that. I will search and I am sure that I will run into plenty of people to give a fair chance to, because everyone deserves a fair chance. For that one person, and maybe more, I will follow my advice. I will give you your tools to paint your picture. I will watch your efforts with all interest. I will only hope for the best and I will give you a lot of me, but I’ll hold back at first. I’ll watch your morals, values, beliefs, and wants. I won’t judge anyone, unless I want them in my heart entirely, as I hope you do to me. I hate to be unfair, but as I said, it’s the only way to be sure to get what you are looking for. I will still give you a lot of me, but I will wait a little while longer even after that. I’ll believe in you and trust you, but I’ll know that there is always a chance that it could be completely reversed in one second, so I’ll give you even more of me, but hold back some more still. Then when I am sure, when I at least think I am as sure as I possibly can be, to the point that I know that you could be the most amazing person to ever enter my life, the most heartfelt person, the most beautiful person, then I will hold nothing back from you, and you will have all of me. The worth of us, our hearts, our efforts, and our love, is immeasurable.


Thank God for Aaron Marsh and his lyrics-

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you