Journal Entry #11: A touch of right vs. wrong; Or in the best terms, respect.

The early morning of day twenty-two:

This is a redo. I began to write an entry before this, drunk. It was pretty humorous. Is anyone else a drunk dialer, texter, MySpacer, Facebooker, etc. etc.? The mornings after are always so funny. But hey, I’m much more easily amused than others.

It is four in the morning and I am tired. I am just not much for sleeping tonight. I have been so down and out the last week or so. It sort of feels like my life and it’s progression is at a halt; I just have some things that I need to take care of; I have been slacking a bit lately. It is a pretty shitty thing when you are a person that looks and feels down on yourself when you are not constantly progressing in one way or another. It is easy to get yourself stuck in a rut. But what is progression anyways? I couldn’t begin to tell you how it is measured, or what its standards of acceptance are, really. I just turn to tending to my music, school, work, or scholarships one at a time when I get caught up in this; maybe even some of it all at times. It makes me really wish that I had gotten my other degrees before I had gone to Full Sail and gotten an Associates degree in Recording Arts. A little while back I decided that I wanted to become a personal trainer and physical therapist first and foremost; my ambitions about Full Sail at first were naïve and misled; it’s what I thought that I wanted most, but I realized that it is not, and that led me here. Becoming a certified personal trainer is easy, but health science takes a bit longer. I am actually considering shooting for a PhD in it and to go ahead and get it over with. Shall I decide to do that, my road there is extended significantly, although I know that it is worth it. I really should have just finished that first. Most of the places that I would be able to use Full Sail’s degree are out of this state, thriving under circumstances that agree with everything that I have learned to disagree with in life, or are depicting themselves to be something that just doesn’t seem like it would make me near as happy as I could be and should be, and that is not what I’m looking for. Whatever though, it will all work out still. At least I know how to record, mix, and develop my own music. That puts me ahead just a bit, which makes me feel better, not to mention that I have been working on my music ruthlessly for the past year or so. And I have five different side projects, which all vary into different genres; all of the way from acoustic, to hardcore, to somewhat classical and theatrical. I do every instrument on my own, and with that being said, it is hard to complete even just five separate demos all up to my personal standards in a short period of time. And by a short period of time, I mean at least a year; I am ecstatic to release it, but I know that I have to be patient. Anyways, after I graduate, I plan to be working as a personal trainer and as a physical therapist and I will attend school for botany. Out of everything, I have learned in life to do what you love. It is what makes me happy at least. Music, health, and botany may be a weird combination, but it’s my thing and I think that I will be much happier dealing with that rather than I would be waking up miserable, dressing up, forcing a smile, and going to do sales every day like my father. His break though, is that he is at least good at sales; I’m sure that it makes it much more bearable.

I don’t know what to write this morning. I guess I am getting to the point where I am getting tired of writing about this; in this rhetoric at least. There are so many things that I want to say, but I often forget them and replace that one idea with another. Right now though, I guess your own personal self-justification keeps running through my mind. That is what I find myself focused on at this moment, aside from the usual good things that I relive. I remember a couple times when we got into an argument and you responded “I really didn’t do anything wrong anyway,” refusing to find yourself sorry, and well, wrong. I thought, “Wow. You know maybe you did not do anything obviously wrong in your own opinion, but either way, it is something that I do not like (that is not taken out of context, unjustified, or unfair) so it is in one way or another, wrong for this relationship.” That is how I have always thought anyways towards other’s that I am in a relationship with. Whatever though. I really need to stop doing self-comparisons. I catch myself sometimes. It’s an asshole thing to do.

I don’t feel creative right now. I feel somewhat numb to things. This may be, and honestly probably is, just an easier moment. Who knows how I’ll feel when I wake up?