Lessons to Life Part 1: Dear Dallas, Thank You

For about three years of my life I experienced more highs of the absolute highest, and more lows of the absolute lowest than I have experienced in all of the other seventeen years of my life, and more so than most people do in their entire lives. I was lucky enough to have it during my younger years and lucky enough to have been able to experience it at such a young age. I had such a strong hold on it until recently, when I lost my grip on it entirely. It's that one thing that everyone, or most everyone, is always looking for. “The great peace we all seek.”The feeling you get when you want to be something more; something bigger, or at least part of something bigger. You want to find somebody and you hope if you do that they'll prove all the flaws you see in this world wrong and they'll give you a breath of fresh air and make the whole life thing a little bit easier and more understandable. It may even just be temporary, or in better terms for what I’m concerning, lust (depending on the person and their mindset). A lot of people don't feel so strong towards the idea of a long partner. Shit, some people don’t even feel so strong towards the word “partner.” But no matter how you see it or whether it's a relationship or short episodes of lust, it all fits in the same way somehow in my mind, or at least in the points that I am trying to convey.

That feeling of being loved to me was always overpowering and an upper all in itself, which love actually is defined to be. I figure that a constant good connection that comes with all healthy relationships gives off the same idea as lust. When you're constantly finding new people and you take out the long relationship, strong connections, and fears from being left by that person because you don't know them well enough to care that much about them, but leave every other aspect that makes you happy at the same time, then you have nothing to fear and almost no pain to feel when you and that person part, whether it's after one hour to a weeklong or however long your episode may last. You get your fill in temporarily, and then move on to the next. I understand that there’s no way to tell for certain that this is why every certain individual acts out on their lust and honestly, I don’t think that every one of them takes those actions only for the reasons that I’ve stated; that would be idiotic and insulting. But I’ve noticed a pattern in the people that I have become close with, that take these actions. I’ve seen that some people carry this through with pride, and just as equally some people only end up regretting it. I can't help but see it as only tricking yourself into feeling something false, which in return means that you're cheating yourself from the real feeling of love. There are plenty of ideas and reasons for lust, which many can be and are very understandable and justified. But in the time that I’ve been here, and even in my most adolescent and immature points, none of that has really fit in with me. I understand, and I find it somewhat humorous, because I bet that a lot of guys are probably scheming up these smart ass remarks inside of their minds right now, or have somewhere along the way already, as well as some girls. Well, we’ll just say that we can call it even because I’m no different in my own sense. Just as I can’t understand those mindsets, you can’t understand the ones running rampant in my own head. Yes I've felt lust, and I carried it through only to learn not to do it again. It hindered so many things, and unfortunately, hurt one select person as well; a very close person. You see, even though you may not be putting your entire heart into it, there is still a small part of it being put towards it. So my question is, why would I give somebody part of myself, even if it's the tiniest bit, if I don't even mean enough to them for them to truly care if I leave, if they ever see me again, or enough for them to even remember my name a couple months from now? Personally, I hold myself higher than that, and I believe everyone should. Yes, some people are in it just for fun, but I've got better things to do with my time at the moment and my fun can and will come when I find someone that proves that I'm more to them than just another fill. Either way, people are going to do what they do and I don't have any bitter thoughts toward anyone that chooses to live like this. First, because I have no right to say what people should and shouldn't do; no one on this earth holds that kind of knowledge where they know right from wrong, factually. But also because some of the most amazing people that I know are close to this, so it could never in any way automatically make someone a bad person (which I have witnessed some unfortunate souls give the impression of).

My point is, I've learned to live my life another way. I've always waited around for the girls that I've been with to come into my life, and I never rushed finding them. I've always figured that when I found someone that I really wanted to pursue, I would know it, and every time, I did. Like everyone I've had a few crushes, but I would always wait it out a few days because you never know if it's only lust, which will disappear, or if it's someone that you really cannot get your mind off of. Only time will tell and time is what you have to give it if you want to be sure (or at least as sure as you can be), in my own personal views. I've always held girls and women to a very high standard because I truly believe that every girl should have everything that they dream for and not have to put up with all of the, in best terms, bullshit that most guys bring to the table. With that being said, I could never carry a relationship through without feeling everything that should genuinely be felt, like most guys do, because I never want to put someone through that feeling. When it would truly come down to it, you don't care like you should and are supposed to and I could never do that to another girl, or person at that. This is what most people don't do nowadays. Such a ridiculous level of selfishness has become so common and most people see right past it. I've yet to meet very many people that think about another person before themselves, ever. One huge reason for it is because it’s all part of a reaction, so you really can't blame it on anyone. People have slowly grown selfish (due to their surroundings and the diminishing practices of selflessness) so the rest of the world adapts, and becomes selfish too. I just don't understand why people don't try to change it if they care to complain about it so much. It's really not hard. So what if you have to suffer a little bit for the benefit of someone else? Most of the time you really can't even call or define it as "suffering," but just an inconvenience at most.

I remember pulling over to the gas station once with a dear friend named Cody. As I was paying for my gas I noticed a girl walk in with a red gas can and simply asked if they accepted checks for a payment of gas; of course they didn’t. You could see the expressions on her face and how bad this situation made her feel. She began to explain that she had run out of gas and had no way to get cash in order to get gas, and head home. There were a number of people in the store; all types of people; she was diversely surrounded by the number of races and ethnicities, but not a single person offered to help and sadly, most didn’t even turn their heads in her direction. But I know that they heard her. I could see the uncomfortable notions towards avoiding her, written all over their faces. She sighed and I could have sworn that this girl’s next move could have been a breakdown from the extremely emotional sigh that she let out right next to me. She finally got her car to the gas station, but found herself stuck at that point. Of course I was going to help, but I was so annoyed already with how inconsiderate every one of those people were being at that moment (whether this is how they truly are, or not). So I simply asked the cashier for change of ones and when she handed it to me, I turned and handed it to the girl. It wasn’t much, but it’s what I had to spare and more than enough to get her to where she needed to go. She was ecstatic, just like almost anyone would have been, and even the cash register associate turned to me and said, “That was really sweet!” The only response that I could come up with in my head was “Not really. Most people just tend to be so shallow that actions such as these are rarely taken anymore. I’m not special because of this and it’s a shame that something so petty is seen as something more.” So now tell me, what did I lose out of this? A few dollars; that is it. A few dollars; next to nothing. And I walked out with the respect of several people (which you cannot set a price upon) inside of that store; the girl, the associate, and a couple of others standing behind me who also complemented the incredibly diminutive favor. You think just because you may never see a person again that it’s okay to leave them with a bad impression of yourself? Well, you’re wrong. Some instances of this are understandable, but most are just because careless people take advantage of other people and/or certain situations whenever they see the opportunity. My conscience doesn’t weigh me to the ground when I take actions that help others, but my stomach knots if I were to take actions that completely disregard the feelings of others. A lot of people are the same way, but unfortunately many have learned to shut those feelings out or suppress them. Eventually, many individuals grow numb to those feelings in due time after this (to many different degrees). Too many people are taught or self-taught to ignore their emotional heart, simply because they had someone or something there giving them the wrong idea from the very start.

I slowly had to learn, but have always felt this way and acted this way towards anybody and everybody, on my good sides at least, and I took it to a level that I had no idea that I could even act on with another. It put me in a position where I began to feel above others, which is a feeling that I do not believe that anyone should hold close. In fact, I can't help but look down even somewhat on people that believe themselves to be so much better than the rest. It was a punch to the side of my head, but a blow very well needed. I actually felt saddened for myself, because I saw myself better than others, even in the tiniest bit. I would say to myself "This person just doesn't understand, I have a better view of the situation and they should see it that way." Then right after I would strike back in my head with a comment to myself, "Shut the fuck up James, you are no better than anybody." In my mind, I've grown to find that I am not, and I finally settled with that with pride just as another finds themselves extremely better than another, and they feel and say that with pride. At a point in my life I found myself pathetically hopeless, and pathetically enough I let another person put me in that mindset, but that statement contradicts itself in all of my learning. I loved this person with every ounce of my mind, body, and soul and trusted them with even more, only to have it torn away as emotionlessly as a stranger can lie to another stranger. This of course, I find to fit with only most people in this world. I have been lucky enough to witness a few live, breathing, thoughtful consciences that are still intact to their fullest, despite what this world has thrown at them. I mean really, if you trust a person with all of that, the end result (being a bad result of course) will only find you stuck in a grave that you are desperate to climb your way out of; so desperate that all of your efforts only shove you down even further. It threw another punch from a blind spot right to my mouth, and left me feeling like half of my teeth were busted out, leaving me spitting them with blood and hypocrisy on the floor. I've been blessed enough to have understandings that a lot of others that I've met haven't, and many of them have stumbled my way asking or begging me for answers. But I don't have answers, because I don't know. I only know my best ways to handle the situations, which I guess come off better than others somehow. I would always tell them, "Don't let this person tear you down, if they can only do that then they are not worth your feelings, heart, or any emotions at that! If they don't give you what you only deserve in this world, then why and how can you care for them so much?" I guess a part of it is only words said to help that person overcome their feelings, but mostly it was because I believed and believe it. I didn't understand though until I was put into the struggle myself. Even years of a successful relationship does not ensure that even the next day will be successful and filled with the happiness and love that we for some reason find ourselves searching for so ruthlessly; well me at least, but I guess you could say I act on it in a very subtle level. Even though other relationships may be less significant, that doesn't change that you give a part of yourself to another, whether it's the smallest part to the largest part to everything that you have in you. Maybe it was the fact that I loved this person with my mind, body, and soul, but I realized that it was more of the fact that I gave them my mind, body, and soul. Until the end was a promise that I made, and I said that with just and the most incomprehensible honesty that my heart and mind has ever felt and known, and that was the hardest thing to let go of. But I realized that I don't have to let it go. I can let it go with that person, but not the belief behind the whole idea. I still mean it, but I mean it towards whoever I am meant to have it with and that person obviously wasn't it. I had to see it that way, no matter how bad I wanted it to be that person. In this life I've learned that what you want is most of the time, not what you need, and you can short yourself by taking what you want without seeing how much more breathtakingly amazing what you need really is and can be. That in return will easily prove without a doubt that it is really what you want, you were maybe just blind, selfish, or anything else that plays a role in your wantings at the time. Now when you care for someone in that way, truly honestly care even just a little, you give them a part of you, and it will always hurt to have that thrown back into your face no matter how stubborn, tough, or apathetic that you think that you may be.

1. Quit fooling yourself. Is it really that bad to show the world that you cared about someone and that it hurts you? I don't believe that the real men in this world are afraid to speak or show how they feel, and with that being said, it leaves the world a very empty place because there are very few of these people from my experiences. This world has shown me an incredible lack of caring, honesty, and respect that it needs so desperately. So many people look for revenge, shut their feelings out, or handle situations in the most ridiculous and even horrible ways. When a horrible thing happens to them, those people then often react the same way, or worse. My question is, why would you treat this person the way that they tore you down, or even worse? Why not separate yourself and be part of the hope that will bring this world and its ruined heart back to life, whether you see it in your lifetime or not? I like to believe that there is a crowd of people in this world, spread out through its entirety, that are what is needed to piece together this fractured fucking place. I look around and see nothing but ruins from what was once built on pure love, freedom, and the belief that all should be happy in this world, without question or diversion or control. I will hold myself to these standards the best that I possibly can, and throughout my mistakes I can only pray that they will be shown to me and that I will improve and/or fix them. I believe that they are the only ones and army capable to defeat whatever anti-Christ may happen upon this world, whether it is our president or another person that you know. Just as selfishness has slowly grown and overcome, selflessness can do the exact same if the people have the right mindset. These people are the true heroes in my eyes. Not Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Brad Pitt, Bill Gates, etc etc etc. Not your Cosmopolitan magazine, the writer of it, or an article of some person that has enough money to buy a Lamborghini or even ten of them. Instead, I see the heartfelt European as a hero; the barely known African fighting for equality in their own world; the anonymous South American fighting for human rights; the undistinguished American dropping every extra cent that they have into a fund for a relief program. So if you think that you are better than anyone simply because of your looks, well good job! Your parents had sex and came out with you, and you had absolutely no influence over that once so ever, so your parents really should be the proud ones telling you that you are welcome for giving you looks that blow your mind and self worth out of proportion. Now to the others, good job! You made your fame and money, and now the ones that live with their hearts and all good intentions get to sit back and watch you on MTV while you corrupt the world with what pathetic views, beliefs, and morals that you have. Some see it happen to their children, some to their friends, some to their family, and so many other ways, and it is more heartbreaking for those parents, friends, or family to see that happen than all of the "happiness" put together that you may give your fans. Sorry to be so atrocious, but when I hear about how another person is in love with you simply because of your looks (or how the world admires you because of them), simply because you may sing good, or that you are famous for no good reason once so ever and you do nothing to address it, it really starts a reaction in my mind. You're setting a trend for people to fall in love with you (if you can even legitimately call it that) for every other reason than for who you are. Yes looks matter, but not like that. The rest of the world follows your lead and the next thing that you know, no one knows how to handle a relationship because they're in it for the wrong reason(s) in the first place, and there are pregnant fifteen year olds because they wanted to be like Brittany Spears. This is a corruption that I believe needs to stop, but unfortunately doesn't and won't due to the fact that the rest that I believe have the right idea are so outspoken. I will have the honor of raising my children apart from that; very, very far apart. Yes I want them to like celebrities and love them only in certain ways, but not want to be like them; not the ones that are so unrespectable at least. If I fail, which I understand always can be more of a possibility than not, at least I’ll know that I tried with everything in me. While I'm on it, I am a musician. I thrive and live off of it. If I ever become a famous musician, which I want but understand more than likely will not happen, please refrain from posting MySpace/Facebook comments about how fucking cute that you may think that I am. Why don't you tell me how good my music is; that's why it and you are there in the first place, right? The beauty is in the music, which comes from inside, not outside. I've yet to see a comment explaining I am attracted to you simply for your music and/or lyrics that have helped show me who you are inside.

I have met a girl who truly cares only for what is inside, and no, that is not a joke. I find her far too incredible and amazing for seeing things like that. I can't even see it based solely on personality, and she takes my breath away. I swore that she didn't exist, but suddenly she was put in front of me and I could only stare in awe at the things that she explains runs through her mind. I am a sole believer in true love. It is an idea that has been torn away from so many people for so many reasons, and the things that I have explained are some reasons that I believe it has happened. I find it so saddening that people don't believe that they can be with another person their entire lives and love them the entire time, and more and more every day. I have been lucky enough to find friends that do believe in this as well, and I have surrounded myself with these kinds of people. Such shallow reasons are the exact reasons why true love is so rare anymore, and if you don't understand that, please just reread a little ways back up. Every person in this world has it in them to show true love, and to feel it. But I believe that it is true that it doesn't happen with just anybody. It's hard to be patient and wait for someone that you really think will show you that, and I believe that we jump on our opportunities and then find that we jumped far too quickly. Then you get a bad experience, thus dimming your hope for what is considered "true love." But I've learned to learn from those experiences. If it didn't work, then it wasn't supposed to, but you don't just give up. Yes it may hurt at first, but you use what you did wrong and right, to reinforce what you can do right in the future. It seems that falling in love forever is more of a dream nowadays than reality, and I believe it should be the opposite. People aren't given chances from others for so many reasons, and that could be your biggest mistake in your life and as bad as it is, you won't realize that because how could you without knowing? Well if your life has been empty for some time and you feel like you never get anywhere, maybe you should try opening your mind to others more. Trust me when I say that appearance should not decide whether someone is given a chance or not, and the key words are "given a chance," not be with them, as a friend or more. To a degree, yes I don't believe that you can expect to love or like(in a loving manner) someone as much as you can without having physical attraction, but just because someone is looking way too rough doesn't mean they are not worth finding out about. Maybe that person is just so down that it affects their appearance and maybe you are what they are waiting for to give them hope and bring them back to life, and show you that they're more than you thought. I was once in a position that I didn't care that I looked like hell, because I was so down on myself, and then I was slowly brought back to life. Over a period of time I regained my composure that was needed and eventually I was shown by a girl that there is good in this world, when I swore that there wasn't, and it gave me every bit of hope that I needed for my life. It's just like I said. No one is better than anyone. When I was in this position a while back I was driving to Pollo Tropical (amazing btw), and I stopped to give a homeless man what cash I had to spare. He held a sign that read "Hungry Veteran." His hands were dirt black, his skin as wrinkled and hard as the pavement that I was driving on, and his beard was as big as I could ever imagine growing mine. I had no reason for believing that sign, but I believed that this man wanted and needed my help, whether he deserved it or not, and my following through with his good will and wanting is what I believe truly matters. I handed what cash I had to spare and apologized that I only had so little to give. He looked at me in my eyes, and he said, "Thank you so much, this helps me more than you understand. God bless you and keep your faith in God and so will I. Thank you brother." As dirty and grimy as this man was and as little self respect that it looked like he had, I just wanted to jump out and hug him, and even tell him that I loved him. I doubt that man ever sees love anymore, and that is the saddest thing that any life can live through. This was at the peak of my darkest times, and it hit me that I had lost so much of my relationship with my God. I understand that you may have no belief in God, and that is all your choice and there is nothing wrong with that, but I do and it is important to me. I mean, if this man could look me straight in the eyes, with all honesty that I could see, and tell me that he still has his faith while he has nothing, then no matter fucking what I will keep mine. No matter what I will believe. I drove off in my truck; with my CD player, my CD's, my Gibson SG and my Marshall half stack, my cell phone with unlimited texting and calls, the rest of the money that I had for food, my bank and credit card, and I watched as he and his sign faded away while he stood there on that corner. This came from a homeless man; what almost everyone sees as a dirt bag that just can't get their life together who deserves nothing from anyone, but this man gave me my faith back. A homeless man, begging for change, reminded me that you never give up, and so importantly that just because he looks the way he does and is stereo typed, that it doesn't make him less than anything short of amazing, and an amazing person. Yes, different situations and different people will affect different lives, but someone like this will hopefully fall into your life one day if it already hasn't. You see, I hold that man higher than a lot of other people that I know because he stands in as one of my heroes. Have you ever given someone their faith back, whatever faith that may be, when they felt their lives so empty? Most people haven't. I haven't, but hopefully I and you can do that one day, but the individual has to be willing. I am no better than this man. I believe that you are no better than this man. I believe that the person next to you is no better than you. You see, in just about everyone you'll find something that you don't agree with. Maybe it's an extreme disagreement like how some people disagree with this homeless man's life, or even a small one, like how someone may get mad at you for saying something that seems so petty. I had an epiphany. That not all of these people that I hold so little respect for, disagree with, or that you may hold little respect for are the ones to blame. Chances are, they just were never taught the right way in the first place, or maybe they fell into a hole that they couldn't crawl themselves out of. What if that homeless man hadn't saved me, and I was right there on that same corner a month from then? Maybe Brittany Spears didn't have the parenting she needed to give her the beliefs and views which I think that she should hold and spread throughout this world. Maybe that homeless man was never taught how to take care of himself. Maybe you were never taught to try to understand/comprehend another point of view, even if it makes absolutely no sense to you. It goes on and on. I've learned that you don't put someone down for this. You don't look down on them. Instead, if you truly believe that you have the ideas that they should have (or even just suggestions of better ones), then maybe you should try to teach them and help them. You don't have to succeed, you just have to try, even just once or a little bit, and even if you fail and that person is too hard to get through to then that is just another thing that they were so unfortunately taught or had to learn; so I believe you should try not to look down on them for that either. A good friend named Anthony says that life is about creating yourself, not finding yourself. I believe strongly in this. Without everyone else, you cannot create yourself, thus you cannot find yourself, and everyone else cannot be created and morphed without you. I've learned that you should be the best that you know how to be and that in return helps create everyone around you; from a person driving in front of you to the person that you love. This world is upside down more with the help that it needs than it has to give. Please be part of that help. If you see bad in something, be the good side of it, and teach others and practice that good side as well, and not the bad. Maybe and hopefully one day these good people that I find so sporadically positioned in this world, will all grow to end up in more and more places, and they will outweigh what bad there is. And then maybe, just maybe, true love in every form will become reality again and not just a wish that is made, a screenplay that so many of us find ourselves far too jealous of, or a dream that we find ourselves entangled in that is found outside of our own reality.




Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.....


Arundhati Roy:

Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.....


Don Quixote:

Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.....


Elie Wiesel:

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.....


Lin Yutang:

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.....


Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

The future belongs to those who give the next generation reason for hope.....


Samuel Johnson:

The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure but from hope to hope.....


Winston Churchill:

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.