Journal Entry #14: Wake up before it gets worse

The morning of day twenty-eight:

These dreams, their taunting, and their ridicule. I hate their teasing with their detachments to our realities and how they can completely change what we are feeling the moment that we wake up, or even while we find ourselves in the dream itself; the story of my life. I have had days ruined before I have even woken up for them, all because of this. Days ruined because I have dreamt of something that I did not have, or because I dreamt of something that I did have, only to wake to find out that I really did not.

Last night I dreamt as hard as I have in quite some time, and I feel upside-down because of it. At the peaks of certain points, I sank into one of the lowest lows that I have ever experienced in my lifetime; where I had no hope as I watched one of my closest and best friend’s freedom being instantly taken from him, and there was not a single thing that I could do about it, to feeling one of the utmost highest highs that I have ever experienced in my lifetime, where I found myself right next to you; enwrapped and pressed into you, as you were into me; where we settled into repose; where our confusions clarified; and where our anger subsided. And for the first time in a long time, I felt right again; I felt okay; and I was happy with everything in life, like we all constantly search for. But those sentences are understatements, as that even understates itself: It took every bad feeling that anything about me could contrive, away from me, and away from this place. Nothing could break through this armor; what dressed me into the boy that loved you with every ounce of himself; nothing. Not hate, not anger, not misunderstanding; not bullets, or depravation, or demoralization; fires or unfaithfulness; not even this loneliness or this inadequacy that has been tugging at my sleeves for all of this time.

This feeling; this nightmare; what came before these moments with you was wiped out to its entirety when I took one look to find you right in front of me: You lit everything in my world up. And as for being alive, people do not know what it is to live, until you live something like this. So here it comes again, are you ready? Because I am not; I never am, but it does not wait for me: That avalanche of emotion that starts from my head and works its way down, sweeping all sense, self-integrity, self-respect, and reason right from me. The very reason that tells me to leave the ground that I have been standing, defending, and waiting on, waiting for responses from. But at the same time, the very reason that reminds me of my stances’ worth, values, and possibilities.

Despite it, still, I do not hang my head in shame because of it. I do not, and I will not. Here is where so many others fail, because their hearts are at a silent sleep. Some, you cannot even hear no matter how hard that you may try. They are just these quiet and inaudible beatings because the essences that are inside of them, that are meant to live loudly, are never even breathing, while mine is screaming and tugging to jump out of my chest and show you everything about itself: Me, stripped down, bare. Here is the physical description of what my emotions look like and every message and wanting that they carry so closely. Here is love, and here is its face spelled out in description from everything that has built up along my ways; everything that I have been begging to show and make clear to you. But I think that what you see is a hazy silhouette of what it really, truly is. You have to focus; put your attention towards it; acknowledge it and see it for what it really is. Define the lines and the shapes and direct your eyes away from any light that misconstrues your perception of it. See me, for me, and stop covering your eyes. Stop being so scared to open them. Just trust me, and unveil to yourself what is right in front of you. I’ll be honest here, if before I never believed in meant-to-be or simply the possibility and potential for something to actually grow into it, I do now. That potential has to be as boldly in your face as it is mine.

I randomly awoke in a sweat and my shirt was drenched, like I had been running for miles. The fan above me was blowing on high and my body was shivering from the mixture of the sweat and the cold air. Nightmares really do not come too often for me, but when they do they are not in the form of some ‘creature’ or 'thing.' Instead, this one was in the form of a vision of my best friend being arrested and losing all of his freedom as quickly as he was born and brought into this place. I remember vividly the look that he gave me, and I could see in his eyes all that he felt. You know that you are feeling an emotion that is speaking volumes when you can clearly show it on only your face, without having to mention it. That one choice that you made in life that puts you in that position usually always tends to never be worth it, because well, it wasn’t. Hard drugs, crime, rape, etc. etc; I just feel so bad for anyone that feels the need to follow through with these (Especially those who do so intensely) and for those who were raised to know nothing better. That is one of life’s most unfair points. Who the hell would I be if I had not had the parenting that I was given at my younger and most impressionable ages? I could be one of the worst souls in this world if I had not had my mother, my father, and step-father.

Anthony, one of my best friends and whom this dream dealt with, would in no way ever deserve what this nightmare was giving him. His face…I will just never forget it and the look that he had on it; it's a dragging list. And the worst part is that there was not a thing that I could do about it. Not a single, fucking thing. One of the very few people that have stuck by my side, assisted me in my life in more ways than you could imagine, and who has helped so many people in so many ways, well I watched as they took him away. His eyes were begging for me to do something; anything; and although that I would never do it, the thought crossed my mind of helping him make his escape from those policeman. I, and the world, lost my stepfather in 2004, and the feeling came across me that I would not let these people wrongfully take another person out of society, that society needs so horribly to better itself. I cannot remember why it had happened to him, or what he had done. I just felt and knew that it was wrong. I felt his unjustified shame that the shackling of handcuffs tend to give off, and I then felt fear for him; for everything that would follow this situation that he was in. And in an instant, his face faded, and I awoke into my cold sweat, and to the creaking and waving fan. I sprung to my feet off of the couch that I was sleeping on at Anthony’s apartment for the night, and ran to his doorway. I looked, and sighed: Relief, oh relief. What a freeing feeling. Anthony was still asleep in his own bed. It was a calming feeling to reassure that relief.

I walked away, grabbed my night bag, headed to the bathroom, and I changed my clothing before I fell back asleep. I found myself warm and content again; not drenched in a sweat with a heavy pounding heart. It was a good feeling to come attached with my next dream, especially after my previous one. And I do not mean simply just a dream where your mind wanders with seamless ideas and memories or constructed visions that defy reality and its sense. I mean more than that; a fulfilling dream; like when you were a child and there was one thing in your life that mattered; one thing that would make your life make sense and that you could only see yourself being happy with. Whether it was to be an astronaut, a pilot, an animal veterinarian, or what have you. This, in my world, was a dream, but also a dream-come-true in its own dynamic:

Somewhere in my head, I looked really, really hard for you. And somewhere in my head, I found you, suddenly right in front of me. You were standing with the small of your back in perfect arch, a perfect form, facing me and my direction. Your wide eyes were fixed onto mine, as mine were onto yours. I lifted my hand to meet yours, as you did the same, and we smiled as we found that we were only several steps away from our arm’s length of each other. My thoughts were so readable; so predictable. And all that I could think was, “Finally, finally, finally.”

You stood in front of me, as pretty as you have always been; as gorgeously as you have always carried yourself; as elegant as any woman that I have placed my eyes onto before. I found myself lost in your stare, overwhelmed with the comfort that I have always known that I would feel when this moment came; this moment where we let go of everything that held us apart from each other. I instantly sank into the most comfort that I have ever felt and experienced. I fell into a crevice that has never seen nor experienced any evil or bad intention; only complete innocence. And in all essence to your stunning appearance, the outline, beauty, and almost unbearable symmetry of your smile, and the allure and charm of your glossy eyes speaking volumes of how you felt all on their own; in essence to all of this, my body became weightless. My mind became fearless. My soul became unbreakable. You stood so brightly that I could hardly focus onto anything that was just simply around you. Everything that I have ever wanted, every good thing that I search for every day here that this world lacks incredibly, which you can only find scattered in bits and pieces throughout the world, and every bit and piece of happiness that would come attached with these, was standing right in front of me: Finally, finally, finally.

The gaping hole that I often find in my chest was overflowing with comfort and ease as opposed to its normal emptiness. For the first time in a while, I again felt a heart inside of my body, between the outlines of my rib cage; my voids were entirely reversed. I had the strength, motivation, and will to move mountains with the smallest of efforts. I had the intellect, confidence, and tenacity to stand on a stage in front of the entire world and perform my music to even my very worst of abilities, because out of all of these people, out of the billions and billions of them, it was for you and only you; and I knew that even at my very worst, it would not have mattered to you. You would have seen and heard more than just discords and flat pitches. Just as when I saw you, I saw more than just a girl standing in my direction. But then again, I don’t know how anyone could ever take you as just that.

I approached and came closer with a heavy pounding heart, and my blood ran through my body as quickly as it ever has. Even just a moment can seem like forever when you are approaching something that means more than the world to you. And before I knew it, we were face to face and those ten steps that seemed a lifetime’s length were over. With my eyes onto yours, and yours onto mine, you smiled, and you fell into me: In that moment, in that stretch of time, I could have changed the world and every bad thing in it with the invulnerability that I felt, and all of the strengths that come along with it.

This dream was filled with hints of us spending the day and night together; fade ins and outs and short episodes between seeing my friends, introducing you to others, and experiencing things that we had promised to experience together, and even things that we had not discussed yet. It was so quick and everything seemed to go by in a blur, but what trailed was nothing less than the most gratifying feeling in the world. I even remember at one point, you were riding next to me, sitting in my passenger’s seat. With one hand on the steering wheel, and the other with your hand in mine, I had never felt so content. Addicts, imagine your utmost highest high. The one that sets you on the path that you spend the rest of your time chasing after. That cannot even compare to the feeling that I got from this, and from her.

I remember vividly sitting down with you, while you laid across me. You picked yourself up, and you brought your hands to the outlines of my jaw and pulled me in, leaning your forehead into mine. I remember closing my eyes to take in the moment and the rush that it sent through my chest. I remember you talking to me, although I do not remember clearly what you were saying. All that I know is that my chest filled with comfort more and more with every word that you spoke. I do remember one thing that you said to me, and I promised to fulfill what exactly it was that you asked of me, although I am not apt to explain it for just everyone to see. These experiences, even though they were just mental, were so moving that I felt the need to follow the promise through, even in reality. You brushed your face against mine, and there was not a hint of discomfort on or in any inch of my body. With my eyes closed, with my body weightless, and with your mind, body, and heart and their intentions in unison with mine, I kept my eyes closed, put my hands over yours which still traced the outlines of my face, and thought to myself: Finally, finally, finally…

And abruptly, in a moment, as quick as I fell asleep and slipped into that overwhelming comfort, I awoke. And for about three seconds in what we have all known to be reality, I felt that overflowing comfort that filled that seemingly endless pit in my chest. I felt an uncontrollable smile which I could not turn around for the life of me and a sense that this day had so much more meaning than the past ones; a sense of meaning and importance because I got to share it with you. And then, my moment of being lost from the confines of reality, suddenly disappeared, and my chest sank into itself. I felt the comfort pulled straight from my insides when I realized that I was staring at the white apartment walls instead of you, reintroducing that endless pit all in a matter of a single second; the ultimate high, to the ultimate low. And just like before, you had disappeared. Just like before, I turned everywhere to find you, but I couldn’t. And just like before, that happiness found its exit, and I watched it and its back as it left me before I could reach my hand out and yell for it to stop and wait; to just stop and let me say what I felt inside. And instead of the overflowing comfort, spilling out from within that empty pit, I went numb, and that pit ravined and hollowed into places that I wasn’t aware were so impressionable to this, and breakable to this. I found myself weightless again, but instead, this time it derived from emptiness. My ears begged to hear those calming words and tones that your voice has always carried, but I got nothing but silence. I listened so hard that the statics of life were the only sounds ringing clear; past the air conditioner, past the television, past the humming and buzzing of the lights, the wind, and the ocean. I listened so hard that I heard things that most people only wish to and never hear in their entire lives. But the difference and why I couldn’t appreciate them was because I would have traded them all, just to hear you instead.